130 years of wisdom

I had the pleasure of sitting down with some dear friends and family members to learn about their relationships.  I talked to 5 couples with a total of 130 YEARS of relationship experience—how cool is that?! 130 years is a lot of learning. The total time these couples were together ranged from 7 to 57 years. 

I was eager to learn from these 130 years of wisdom. I’ve always admired the couples I spoke with and knew they would have great advice to share.

My goal for these conversations was simple: dive deeper and see what makes these relationships work well, and what guidance the couples had for me as I continue to navigate my own relationship with Nate. 

The conversations were so meaningful to me, and I’m deeply grateful for the experience to learn from these incredible people!

Huge thank you to everyone who shared their advice & insights with me. I know that relationships are not always easy to discuss.

Now, let’s get to the good stuff!

I noticed that five similar themes of advice emerged from the interviews, which goes to show that there are patterns and habits that should be noted and implemented in successful relationships. 

5 themes of relationship advice:

1. Don’t take your partner for granted

2. Everyone has rough patches—coming together as a team to overcome them is what counts 

3. Remember that your partner is a kind, loving person who is doing their best

4. Take accountability for your actions and communication patterns

5. Your relationship is unique, and should not be compared to others

Don’t take your partner for granted

It’s so easy to get complacent with showing appreciation to your partner after years of being together, and yet the most successful couples make sure their partner feels seen, loved and appreciated. These were some of my favorite sound-bites reiterating not to take your partner for granted as your relationship progresses:

• Love is an action and decision. It is made up of little moments such as folding and putting your partner’s laundry away even when you don’t want to 

• How would you have treated your partner in the beginning of your relationship? Continue to do that throughout the course of your time together

• Thank your partner out loud, and often. “Thank you for putting the dishes away, I appreciate it” goes a long way, even after years of being together

• Your partner is affected by your actions. Think about the outcome of your decisions before you make them, and make sure the choice benefits the greater whole

   

Everyone has rough patches—coming together as a team to overcome them is what counts

Whether it was realizing they were drifting apart, having health scares, going to couples counseling, losing jobs, a miscarriage, or struggling to decide the best time to move cross-country—all of the couples I spoke to agreed that rough patches are an inevitable part of relationships. Overcoming these hardships as a team makes the relationship that much stronger. Below are some of stories and quotes I took away related to overcoming challenges:

• One duo had a period in their relationship where they realized things were just okay but could be 10x better. That could have led to them growing apart and separating, but it was a chance to be more intentional in their relationship and emerge stronger than before. This is a true example of putting in the work that other couples may not have done to overcome a rough patch, and very admirable!

• Seeing a couples counselor is nothing to be ashamed of, and can help your relationship get back on track by bringing in a unbiased third-party

• One couple noted that their conflicts are “usually not something between us, but rather something around us bringing stress into a situation.” Examples include: a family member, work situation, or other environmental factor. Recognizing this can help you get back to neutral faster

• “Adjustments and compromises in marriages will be made, always. Life will have tough times but you get through it together”

• Remember: things are not always supposed to go your way

• An important question to pose is “how do we face this challenge as a team?”

• During a rough patch, you must acknowledge your feelings, air your frustrations, talk about them and figure out a solution - not bottle things up

   

Your partner is a loving, kind person who is doing their best

In the heat of an argument or rough patch it can be easy to forget all of the incredible things you love about your partner. It’s important to remind yourself that your loving partner is only human (just like you) and they are doing their best. 

• Your partner has their best intentions, even when it may not come across that way. Trust them and their good intentions, even when it feels scary

• “The person you love is a great person, and every once in a while they may not be (98% good, 2% not so good) but it’s so small in comparison. Cut them some slack and give them a break”

• The other person usually has a point. Try to find it

• Learn to let things go, relationships are all about give and take

• “Find empathy and know that the person loves you and give them respect. Know they are coming from a place of love”

• If the other person messes up, give them grace and remember there have been times you have messed up too. This will help you forgive them

• “You won’t always agree and that is okay”

• “Don’t take yourself too seriously” 

   

Take accountability for your actions + style of communicating

• Everyone in the relationship plays a part in the outcomes of your relationship. Make sure to take the time to process things and see where you had a role in the issue

• You choose how to react, and what your partner is doing is not being ‘done to you’ but rather you are choosing to be bothered by it

• Your partner is not a mind reader. Be direct and let them know your expectations so they can help. Less passive aggression, more directness

• Defensiveness gets diffused when you are taking accountability 

• “State your intentions for the conversation… “I just want to be heard” and “I want to workshop a solution” are both valid intentions but maybe not within the same conversation” 

• Take the time to learn the other person’s communication style and what they need. It’s important to respect their style but also respect what you need too

• “Figure out each other’s communication styles and get comfortable being honest, you won’t be able to grow without that”

• Listen listen listen

   

Your relationship is unique, and should not be compared to others

Last but not least, there was the extremely important reminder that ‘comparison is the thief of joy,’ and to make sure you appreciate your different and unique relationship instead of looking to others for approval or validation. Some gems from the interviews:

• “Everyone has unique relationship rules and boundaries, determine yours with your partner, not other people.” Everyone is different, and it only makes sense that everyone’s relationships should be too

• “Your relationship is yours and nobody else’s, you can’t compare yourself to others. You can look for things you admire in others, but create and define your own relationship style”

• “Think about resisting the urge to compare to other couples...your relationship is your own. You can always find something to compare to…“man, that couple is always out and about hiking and exploring!” at the same time as “man, that couple is always lounging at home so relaxed.” It’s easy to get sucked into that trap, but remember to pull yourself out and not stay there 

• Don’t buy into ‘wholesale’ grandiose statements and sweeping generalizations about what relationships 'should be like’; these have nuance to them. For example: both “love should be effortless” vs. “love takes work” ring true at different points in your relationship. Find what resonates with you and your unique relationship

I will cherish these bits of wisdom and circle back on them for many years to come. Comment below if you have any other nuggets of relationship wisdom to add to the mix!

Xx,

Sarah