These days, it feels easier than ever to get sucked into someone else's life online.
We can be tapping through Instagram stories and somehow end up on a random person's page we've never met because we saw someone share their post.
And then, without realizing it, we can go down a rabbit hole of comparison—checking to see how happy they are in their relationship, their career, or their life.
This happened to me a few weeks ago, and surprisingly enough, it left me with a major lesson.
Here’s the backstory:
I randomly stumbled upon someone's page who was a spiritual teacher, and was intrigued by her energy so I clicked into her page.
As someone who did not grow up in a religious household, I have only recently opened my mind up to the idea of 'trusting in the universe.'
Spirituality hasn't always been something that I was open to, but I'm learning more and I'm keeping my mind open to things I know very little about, as I believe there is always more to understand.
Anyways, back to this person's Instagram account.
As I scrolled through her page, I noticed an interesting comparison come up in my mind.
Her and her boyfriend, fiancé, husband—who knows really—seemed much more open-hearted, deeply connected, and "awakened" than Nate and I.
The couple quite literally seemed to state into each other's souls in the photos and just have this energy that I couldn't explain.
When this happened, at first, I felt a little bit of shame creep in:
"Dang—I know Nate and I love each other, but do we LOVE each other on that level?"
This is a very convincing intrusive thought in the relationship anxiety world..."I don't love my partner enough" (whatever enough means).
If you stay up in your mind long enough thinking "I don't love my partner enough,"—it doesn't feel great.
And back in my peak relationship anxiety days, I would have totally WENT THERE.
For 3 hours, or 3 days even.
Sitting in that thought, anxiously trying to determine if it was really true.
However, after more experience of being able to take a step back and look at my thoughts more curiously, this time I decided to observe my mind instead of join in the racing thoughts.
I try to bring forward the "curious observer" part of myself more often than not these days instead of just jumping into believing every thought that pops up in my mind.
It's a helpful way to move through life without letting anxiety take the lead.
When I got curious about this couple's love for one another, and the way I was now questioning my love for Nate—I asked myself...what is really behind these thoughts and comparisons?
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Is it jealousy?
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Is it envy?
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is it admiration?
The more I thought, the more I realized this had nothing to do with me and Nate's love or relationship.
I continued scrolling on this person's page and noticed more details...the way they spoke about themself, their life, and the beauty of the world.
This person was even more open-hearted, connected, and "awakened" to THEMSELF than within the relationship, it seemed.
Wow.
I really sat with that for a minute, and reflected about what that meant for me, and why I admired it so much.
It's truly admirable, and something I am working towards…
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A level of compassion, love, and joy for myself and my life that I experience each and every day, not just one the "good days".
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A level of letting life unfold as it is, not trying to force it to be a certain way at all times.
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A level of acceptance for myself that is so strong, so unwavering, that it has no choice but to spill over into my relationship with others (which of course, includes my relationship with Nate).
And the cool thing is, I am absolutely making progress, and on my way to "getting there," (wherever there is...is there even really a destination for fully accepting yourself, or is it life's work?)
Here's what acceptance for myself and my relationship look like for me, in case it inspires you to reflect on weaving some of this into your life:
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Appreciating more little moments in my days, like a pleasant conversation in passing with someone or a sunny walk to the gym
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Accepting my feelings without needing to add a layer of meaning on top. For example, I've allowed myself to wake up feeling a little unsettled without needing to add the layer on top that it's related to Nate. I'm allowed to wake up and feel a little unsettled and move on with me day
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Releasing the need to be "doing" all the time; this one is still a work-in-progress but I'm allowing myself to take mid-day breaks when I need them, I don't have a set "9-5" schedule every day, I don't take client meetings on Mondays or Fridays, and if something doesn't get checked off my to-do list for the day, it doesn't mean I didn't have a great day
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Letting things happen without fast deadlines. I used to be a huge "self-imposed-deadline" kinda girl, and now I'm letting myself take the time I need to get something done. This one is still a work-in-progress, but a big shift has been made in the last 3 months
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Feeling gratitude for qualities about myself, and then making sure to find that same gratitude for qualities about Nate, too.
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Celebrating little things along the journey, to enjoy more of the process, and less of the results.
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Accepting both me and Nate's emotional ups and downs as part of the ride, and not hyper-focusing on either one of our moods one day as the end-all-be-all; tomorrow is always another day
Finding acceptance for yourself and your partner is no easy task.
It's a daily, if not hourly practice.
Our inner critics will run rampant in our mind 24/7 if we don't keep them in check.
That is a choice we can show up and make daily, if we are up for the task.
The takeaway I gained from this experience of comparing my relationship was important.
Notice how this twinge of envy I felt about this person's relationship and connection was really about something much deeper...
It was about me.
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It was about me continuing to open up my heart and finding more acceptance of life.
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It was about me continuing to connect with myself, my body, and my soul more, so I can connect with Nate more deeply.
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It was about me continuing to accept my own journey and path as equally valid and important as anyone else's.
As I continue doing all of this, I know, I really just know, that it will spill over into the love I have and can give to Nate.
But it starts with me, myself and I.
Next time you find yourself worrying someone else's relationship or life has "more" of something that you want—try pausing and reflecting: what is it that they have that I don't, and how can I, alone take the lead in cultivating it for myself?
You have the power to shape the love for yourself, your partner, and your life that you desire.
Now, what will you do with that power?
That, my friend, is up to you.
