To change a habit or behavior, the first step is gaining awareness of the old habit or behavior that you're looking to change.
Without gaining awareness, we continue moving forward with 'business as usual,' unaware of said habit/behavior that we want to change in the first place.
Gaining awareness of our habits/behaviors is not always an enjoyable experience.
Sometimes, it makes us feel guilt or shame…
…we realize we are acting in ways that aren't aligned with how we want to be showing up, and that makes us feel badly.
Other times, it is the catalyst for us to learn and grow…
…as we can choose to use this awareness to move forward differently in the future.
I go back forth between how I react to newfound awareness of my habits/behaviors, as I think many people might.
Today, I want to share an example from this past weekend of how I was able to gain awareness about a behavior I'd like to shift and use it as a learning and growth opportunity.
It's a seemingly small, but noteworthy, behavior that could have impacts within my relationship if I choose to ignore it.
First, let me share a story that ties into said behavior.
I'll paint a quick picture of what happened that led to my 'moment of awareness':
Earlier last week week, Nate's coworker (+ his fiancé) invited us to go hiking and exploring in a new area of Malmö we had not yet been to.
I was THRILLED for two reasons:
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doing something new and exciting in this city that we keep falling more in love with is always enjoyable
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it would have been our first time hanging out with other people together since moving to Sweden! I am an extrovert and love spending time with others to fill up my cup (when it can be done safely during a pandemic!)
Nate let me know we were going hiking Saturday morning at 10am, and the couple would be picking us up at a coffee shop down the street.
I was excited all week about these plans, saying multiple times "I can't wait for the hike this weekend!"
Come Saturday morning we were up and ready to go, arriving 5 minutes early to the coffee shop and waiting for the couple to get there.
The morale is high, we were ready to get these plans started!
10am comes and goes, and then 10:05am comes and goes.
"Hmm that's weird I feel like they'd be here by now," Nate said, "let me double check the Slack message he sent with the plans."
~pauses and checks phone~
"Oops...I'm really sorry babe...we're actually going hiking with them tomorrow, not today. He said Sunday not Saturday"
Darn!
I was slightly disappointed, I’ll admit—although it was not a huge deal.
At first I was pretty calm and casual in my initial response back to Nate, saying "no biggie, all good!"
It was what I said next that I realize now was not quite necessary...
After looking back, I wish I had just *left it alone*
But, this wouldn't be a story about gaining awareness of behaviors I want to shift without me behaving in a way I wanted to shift in the first place...right? 😉
So, next I chimed in saying, "Babe, I know this really isn't a big deal, I just wish you had paid more attention...it feels like you were just distracted and didn't pay attention to these plans that affected both of us"
In the moment I said it, I felt "right."
I genuinely felt like that comment would be helpful to the situation—and make Nate realize he should pay more attention.
He agreed with me, and apologized again.
He's great like that.
He didn't escalate the conversation at all, and just said "at least we can finish putting our IKEA dresser together now!"
After spending more time thinking about this interaction, what I realize now is that I was using the missed detail around which day we were going hiking as a platform to share something else on my heart:
wanting uninterrupted time with Nate where his focus is away from work and on connecting with me.
Nate and I see each other 24/7, but with the pandemic and less boundaries around when our workdays start and end, sometimes it feels like work has weaseled it's way into our alone time.
I realized that if I want to have a conversation around technology boundaries, or work boundaries, or Nate's focus being on me for a period of time throughout the week, that is a whole other discussion, and being critical of his honest mix-up of hiking dates was not the right time to allude to that conversation.
Awareness gained.
I realized that the behavior and pattern of me reacting to a harmless mix-up and turning it into a chance to be critical of my guy is NOT one I want to continue.
It was an aha moment when I thought of myself in his shoes. If I made a similar mix-up, I would want nothing but understanding from Nate, and maybe even laughing it off (which we did later).
I realized that I can show up better.
Less criticizing honest mix-ups, more understanding and assuming positive intent, and more sharing my feelings proactively, vs. reactively.
We ended up having a great Saturday.
We finished putting together our IKEA dresser, and I was able to fully unpack my clothes after a YEAR of living in suitcases throughout the pandemic, which felt FANTASTIC!
We explored Old Town Malmö, and got to see other areas of the city we hadn't been to yet.
And we enjoyed some ice cream and Netflix in the evening.
The hike mix-up ended up working in our favor because Sunday was a nicer day weather-wise and we had the best time!
All of this to say, the key lesson I learned from this was just how important it is to have awareness of how we are showing up, and comparing it to how we want to be showing up.
Once we gain this awareness, we can decide to move forward differently.
How will I move forward differently, you may be wondering?
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taking a beat before I speak/react
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assuming positive intent from Nate and others
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sharing this aha moment with Nate and apologizing for my role in the situation
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schedule a time to discuss work/technology boundaries
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practicing gratitude, always
Awareness can be a gateway to learning and growth, if we let it.
Onward and upward!
