Have you ever heard the saying "you can be right, or you can be in a relationship"?
When I first heard it, I thought it felt a little like “black and white” thinking.
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Be right.
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Be in a relationship.
Where was the middle ground?
Of course, you can still be in a relationship and be right at the same time.
But I realize there's a little more to it...
Sometimes it can be so hard to break free from the need to be right.
Our need to be right is the ego hard at work.
Especially when our partners are involved.
As much as we love them, it can feel disappointing to admit they are right if that means we are wrong...
And if we always look at someone else being right as us being wrong, of course we will continue to feel badly.
Instead, what if we looked at being wrong as a chance to learn?
A chance to focus on finding what is right, vs being right?
It takes a lot of humility to do this.
But, wow, how important that distinction is.
Two really powerful quotes on this subject stick out to me.
I circle back on these when I need the reminder that it's more important to find out what's right, than to be right myself.
I hope these both serve you, as well:
"The desire to be right and the desire to have been right are two desires, and the sooner we separate them the better off we are. The desire to be right is the thirst for truth. On all counts, both practical and theoretical, there is nothing but good to be said for it. The desire to have been right, on the other hand, is the pride that goeth before a fall. It stands in the way of our seeing we were wrong, and thus blocks the progress of our knowledge."
- philosophers Willard Van Orman Quine and J.S. Ullian, Source: The Web of Belief // James Clear newsletter
"I’m here to get it right, not here to be right."
- Brené Brown, who has specifically shared use of this mantra when she is learning how to show up as an antiracist and unlearning racist behaviors that were subconsciously passed down to her
These quotes help me reduce the shame felt around "being wrong" and empower me to embrace finding the correct answer instead.
Notice the focus in both of these quotes is a quest for truth, vs. a quest for winning.
What I now realize about the saying "you can be right, or you can be in a relationship" is that while, technically, you can be in a relationship and still push to be right all the time—it's much more enjoyable when two people can take the view of being on the same side on a quest for the truth.
Instead of one person being "right" and the other "wrong," which puts you on opposite sides — we can choose to be together on the same side, agreeing to "find what's true."
Next time the inevitable human desire of being right bubbles up within you—remember that it's more important to get it right, not be right, and more important to be right than have been right.
xx
Sarah
