One of my clients said "oh well, I guess I can't have it all" the other day to me when we were discussing relationship expectations.
When I heard that, I felt a little sad—I don't ever want someone to think that they can't have amazing incredible things in their life and relationship.
I also think that the statement "we can't have it all" definitely has some nuance to it worth exploring.
I agree with it in many ways—but also disagree with it, and here's why.
If "having it all" means having all of the things we ever want in life, at the exact moment we want them, every hour of every day, without work to get them—then no, we can't have that.
Unless you're a magical fairy—and if so, I'm a little jealous =)
But we CAN have many beautiful and wonderful things in our life if we're willing to accept that it isn't going to be a perfect fairytale all the time.
It sounds counterintuitive, but let me explain further.
One of the reasons relationship anxiety exists is because there is a narrative and pressure in the movie and media that love is easy breezy, effortless, fun all the time, passionate, and "when you know you know."
And if your relationship experience isn't that at all times—it can be tempting to think you're in the "wrong" relationship.
But if you're in a lovely, safe relationship with inevitable ups and downs; moments of excitement but also moments of boredom, moments of joy but also moments of pain—it can be difficult to grapple with if it doesn't look just like the happily ever after that some of us are taught to expect.
And naturally, because we’re all unique human beings, some of us worry about our relationships ‘not measuring up’ much more than others! (says the girl with an entire blog about relationship anxiety!)
I'm willing to bet if you're here on this page, you're one of those who (like me) feel things deeply, likes to make sure I'm doing things "the right way," and deeply wants a long, happy relationship—some factors that can contribute to relationship anxiety.
Here's the paradox to all of this—the second we stop expecting perfection, we can actually enjoy our imperfect relationship.
When we accept relationships aren't enjoyable 24/7, we have a chance to enjoy them even more.
Sounds crazy, right? We live in a society and culture that says "never settle!" or "if my relationship isn't like [insert cute couple], I don't want it!"
We want things to be enjoyable all the time.
And I hate to be the one to say it—but I don't think relationships are enjoyable 24/7.
That's a tall order for ANY relationship or experience to uphold, let alone an intimate one—being enjoyable the...entire time?!
Be it with friends, family, work, etc.—there are always some things that aren't enjoyable at moments.
It doesn't mean these things are horrible or awful, just not necessarily...enjoyable.
Things like...
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Getting irritated with one another.
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Not always agreeing with one another, and that making us angry and frustrated.
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Facing challenges and hard seasons as a couple.
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Facing challenges as an individual, and your partner not showing up "perfectly" to support you.
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Not meeting each-other's needs without having an awkward conversation about it first.
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Mundane experiences—like a trip to the hardware store to fix something in the house.
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Putting together IKEA furniture...(okay okay, maybe just me?!)
Whatever it is, there are some things in relationships and life that are not *as* enjoyable as others...plain and simple.
The faster we can accept that, and stop expecting things to go our way all the time—the faster we can accept life for the way it is.
And the faster we can accept life, the faster we can start enjoying it.
This doesn’t mean give up on the things we want, it doesn’t mean mope around that life isn’t perfect, it doesn’t mean we stop showing up for ourselves and our relationships—it just means not resisting life’s ups and downs.
The same applies for our relationship.
The faster we can accept and even embrace the less-enjoyable parts of a relationship, the challenges, and the opportunities for growth during tough times—the faster we can actually start enjoying the relationship and partner right in front of us—not looking for “even more” enjoyment somewhere "out there" with someone else*.
*please note, this does not apply for a relationship where you do not feel safe or where abuse is present.
Again, it sounds counterintuitive—to appreciate the less enjoyable things in order to enjoy them more.
It may seem like accepting those things will be a "downer" or a negative thing, and that we should "just think positive" or "be grateful for what we have."
But I like to see the full picture, and seeing the full picture of relationships having ups and downs has helped me find more peace within my imperfect relationship.
Next time you find yourself not enjoying your relationship—ask yourself this:
