is “future-proofing” helpful?

Do you tend to "future-proof" your relationship?

You know, looking out in the present moment for any possible incompatibility, or reason things may not work out in a few months, years, or even decades?

If so—I have some good news, and some bad news for you.

First, let's start with the good news:

You're not alone in doing this.

This is an extremely common behavior for anxious folks like you and me...

Lucky us, right?

One of our mind's main functions is to look for any signal of potential danger; to protect us and keep us safe.

And if you're anxious, you may do this—but in over-drive.

This may look like:

• Making sure we are not going to get hurt from our intimate relationship, so ensuring our relationship is bringing joy and fulfillment into our lives (not knowing that this very quest for joy and fulfillment is actually causing us more anxiety...)

• Making sure that any incompatibilities or irritations from our partner are monitored, in case they turn into bigger problems down the line and we end up in a loveless marriage (but, wait, we aren't engaged yet...crap! maybe we got a few steps ahead of ourself?)

• Making sure we control our partner's behaviors, wardrobe, or other elements of our relationship so that we reduce the uncertainty or "out of control" feelings we have in other areas of our life (even though, sadly, this is a false sense of control and the future is, and always will be, unpredictable)

And because our minds are so dang good at their jobs—I mean, the human brain never ceases to amaze me—if we're not aware of these evolutionary mechanisms, we will forever fall trap to our brain's desire to keep us safe and sound.

• We'll say that we want love, but until we get through our subconscious fear that says "love isn't safe," or "love doesn't last"—we won't actually allow ourselves to fall deeper into love, we will put up walls and self-protect.

• We'll say that we want deep connection and emotional intimacy, but until we get through our subconscious fear of vulnerability, or or fear of receiving—we won't actually allow ourselves to open up enough to connect and receive intimacy from another, we'll keep things surface level.

• We'll say that we want an incredible, kind, supportive partner, but until we get through our subconscious fear that we don't deserve this person in our life—we won't actually appreciate their presence, and they may even trigger our insecurities even further, leading us to lash out or shut down.

Is any of this making you nod your head "YES" right now?

I can relate so hard to this because I was doing this exact thing for the first few years of my relationship.

For me, it went like...

• "If Nate leaves wet towels on the ground now...will he ever clean up around the house when we're married and have kids?!" (mind you, this was like, a year into our relationship before we'd even discussed marriage or kids).

• "If Nate asks me how to do things a lot...does this mean I am going to be mothering him in our relationship?" (not accounting for the fact that I do this all. the. time. to him as well!)

• "If I have days where I am not madly deeply in love now...I can't imagine how things will be in 10 years! I hope we don't end up in a loveless marriage where we don't make time for each other" (again, noticing a theme here? I am thinking verrrrrry far ahead, and also not accounting for the fact that periods of deeper love/connection can be cultivated)

...any many, more examples that I will spare you for the sake of moving forward with this blog post ;-)

Whatever your "flavor" of future-proofing is—if it sounds similar to mine, or is completely different—just know, you are not alone, you are not crazy, and there is a very logical reason why it happens: to protect yourself.

However, that said, I do have to give you the bad news now...

Future proofing isn't helping your relationship.

I stumbled across a favorite quote of mine the other day in my phone, which says:

"I have lived a long life and had many troubles, most of which never happened."

— Mark Twain

This quote pretty perfectly captures what I want to say in this blog post.

But…I’ll explain further, don’t worry!

If we live a life with troubles swirling around in our head all day every day, we have to logically know that many of them will not happen in real life.

I'm sure you can think of a time you worried about something that never happened, or the thing you worried about actually turned out better than expected...

So even though we do worry, a part of us can rationally understand that some of these problems may not come to fruition.

And that's because we're not quite thinking rationally…

We're thinking emotionally.

It's completely emotional when we swirl around up in our head all day.

It's driven by fear.

And fear causes us (and our nervous systems!) to become overwhelmed.

When we're overwhelmed, we're not quite thinking from our clearest place, or taking the time to look for other potential options/solutions.

Our mind is just screaming "potential danger ahead! look out!" and we're jumping on board…

We're convinced that the fear-based reaction we're having is important enough to pay attention to, and run with.

And yet—by trying to "future proof" our relationship by worrying about it in the present, we're not doing a whole lot to help it.

I hate to say it, but it’s true.

We think that by worrying, we're taking actions against the worry and thus "fixing" the potential problem.

And for some, that there may be an element of truth to this…

Maybe your worries about your relationship have led you to reading more relationship books, seeing a couples counselor or therapist for your anxiety, and having weekly relationship check-ins. (or even led you to this blog!)

However, maybe, if you're anything like me at my most anxious moments—what I did instead was continue swirling and spiraling up in mind, take minimal action that was beneficial, and on my worst days—pick fights with Nate, or analyze him and his shortcomings to try and validate the fears and convince myself we needed to break up.

If you resonate with that in any way, please know that isn't helping you move forward or serving your relationship.

And even the first thing I mentioned—reading more relationship books, seeing a couples counselor or therapist for your anxiety, and having weekly relationship check-ins—STILL does not guarantee the outcome you desire.

It helps, of course. It really helps.

It may even be the reason why your relationship becomes successful and fulfilling.

But, be very clear, this would be because you're taking intentional action—not because of the worrying.

Forgive me if this blog post feels very direct. Quite honestly, this is something I wish I had read 4-5 years ago (or even longer), but never did.

And I didn't need the sugarcoated version of this article, I needed the direct, straight-to-the-point article.

So, I will say one more time, loudly and clearly...

Future proofing isn't helping your relationship.

And now that you know this…what to do about it?

Well…you can make a new choice.

Staying up in the mind all day worrying about troubles that may never happen is a choice.

And doing something different than that is choice, too, albeit a harder one, and one that may take time to practice, but one that will move the needle forward.

Make the choice that feels most empowering for you, not one that has you feeling like you’re stuck in auto-pilot.

I have a few suggestions for potential actions you can take when you notice yourself starting to future proof:

• Connect back into your body and the present moment.

• Journal a potential "solution" for the problems that are coming up that can help you do something about the potential problem, and then do it (and no, the solution isn't breaking up! maybe it's having a conversation with your partner, maybe it's buying a book on the subject so you feel more empowered)

• Switch gears to an activity that makes you feel more content, so you're not spending the time reflecting on your relationship.

Whatever you need to do; be it go for a long walk or drive, throw on your favorite playlist, your favorite movie, just do something in the PRESENT MOMENT to appreciate life a little bit, instead of using your precious moments in the now worrying about moments in the future that are 1. not guaranteed, and 2. not predictable.

When I finally started to grasp the fact that I can't control the outcome of my relationship in 5 years, but I can control how TODAY goes, that made a huge difference.

I stopped trying to "prevent a loveless marriage in the future" and started showing love to Nate in the moment.

I stopped trying to "prevent annoying habits to build up over time" and started communicating how I felt to Nate in the moment, which (shocker) usually ended up resulting in him being completely unaware that the habit was annoying in the first place!

You see where I am going… :)

The good news my friends, is you're never alone in your struggles or worries.

The bad news my friends, is that many of the time these worries aren't serving you, either.

I hope this has shifted your perspective on thinking ahead in your relationship!

Drop your “future-proofing” questions in the comments if you have any…and thanks for reading!

One disclaimer: this article is not intended to discourage you from reflecting on your values, your life vision, and the goals you have in your relationship and openly communicating those with your partner. There is absolutely value in spending some (key, some) time thinking ahead, but it's when you're becoming consumed that it's an issue. I will let you decide for yourself if the level of "future proofing" you're doing is helping, or hurting you xx