There’s a saying that ‘sometimes you learn things the hard way’.
Maybe hard isn’t the word I want to use here…because it feels really heavy.
Perhaps I’ll change this phrase to ‘sometimes you learn things the uncomfortable way.’
That feels more accurate for the context.
This year has felt like a series of moments where life is presenting me with uncomfortable situations that lead to reminders that I’ve gotten many times before.
This past weekend was no different.
So I’m sitting down to write about it.
Writing has been a huge help for me over the last few years along the way, as it helps me wrap my head around my experiences.
Even as I type that out, I noticed that ‘wrap my head around’ popped out at me.
It’s a very logical, mind-based approach to making sense of the world…trying to always wrap my head around things.
And funny enough, that’s part of what I’m here to share with you today.
Please know I’m writing this blog post for myself just as much as for you.
I’m in the thick of being human just as much as the next person.
I’m not “fully healed” and I’ve stopped putting that as my benchmark.
I still have so much to learn.
When it comes to learning things the uncomfortable way, there is a quote that feels really important to share:
“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”
— Pema Chödrön, Buddhist teacher and nun
Oof. What powerful words.
My interpretation of this quote is that the same lessons, patterns, and experiences will emerge in our life until we truly learn the lesson that is being presented.
Not kinda sorta understand the lesson that is being presented…
But truly embodying it, embracing it, and integrating it in our life.
To me, this also speaks to the difference between reading about something and logically knowing it vs. practicing it consistently until it becomes second nature.
If we look at life from the lens of this quote, it has the potential to bring a sense of excitement and curiosity to moments of discomfort or pain.
We can ask “What is the lesson here?” instead of asking “Why does this keep happening?”
Now, for the relationship anxiety mind—sometimes “what we need to know” is not so literal. Someone with doubts about their relationship could read Pema Chödrön’s words and think “does that mean that my relationship anxiety isn’t going away because it wants me to know that my relationship is bad or wrong?”
Not necessarily. My perspective is that embedded within the experience of relationship anxiety, there are much more profound lessons to be learned; how to be human, how to sit with discomfort without trying to “fix it,” how to feel our feelings, how to be more accepting, self-compassionate, and more.
The quote “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know” perfectly captures the experience of my weekend.
And because I’m still (and always will be) human, when I was experiencing discomfort this weekend, my first thoughts were not “What is the lesson here?”
In fact, quite the opposite—I was definitely caught up in “Why does this keep happening?”
Embedded in the quote are two components:
1 - [the thing] that isn’t going away
2 - what we need to know [the lesson]
I’ll discuss both within the context of my experience this weekend:
1 - [the thing] that wasn’t going away
Every so often, I find myself in what I could describe as a downward spiral into shame, fear, and helplessness.
Even writing that above sentence feels a bit cringey and overly vulnerable. This shows me I still have some self-acceptance to do of my own human experience.
These downward spirals include me feeling anxious about something, judging myself for feeling anxious, feeling like I should know how to coach myself “better” in these moments because I have the tools, and feeling like the discomfort, fear, or other feelings will not pass “fast enough”.
Feel familiar?
For whatever reason, 2023 has presented me with a handful (ok, ok, maybe a few handfuls) of these downward spiral moments.
And while I have come a long way in my ability to recognize the patterns and use my tools in these moments (or in the aftermath), I know that a big piece of the puzzle that’s missing is acceptance.
It’s an ongoing practice for me.
Accepting that some days aren’t great or even suck.
Accepting feelings of sadness, disappointment, frustration, worry.
Accepting imperfections in myself, my relationship, and in life.
Accepting that things happen in life that aren’t in my control.
Accepting the cyclical nature of things; the ebbs, the flows, the ups, the downs.
Accepting uncertainty as part of being human.
Accepting all the parts of myself, not just the parts I deem as acceptable.
And Saturday was another lesson dropped in straight from the universe saying: “hey you—you know that thing I’ve tried to tell you 1,000 times now? well, I think you still need a lil’ practice”
The downward spiral was in full effect…
It’s hard to pinpoint “why” I was feeling anxious, and trying to pinpoint why you feel anxious often leads to more anxiety. It usually doesn’t help.
Nonetheless, if I have to look back and try, here’s what I noticed:
- anxiety around a ‘boring’ phase where me and Nate are caught up in our day-to-day routines (more to come on this in a future podcast episode)
- disappointment due to me feeling unfulfilled outside of work and my relationship as of late (I am majorly craving a new hobby or activity when I move home)
- feeling in limbo due to our upcoming move outside the country
As I noticed these feelings coming up, I did a breath work practice on the Owaken App (I really enjoy this app, and they offer a 7-day free trial. Heads-up that a handful of their videos focus on connecting to your intuition) and got out my journal to get my thoughts and feelings to paper. This was a good start, but the downward spiral pattern still continued to emerge…
Next, I judged myself for feeling anxious because the story I told myself (which is not true) is that I should know how to coach myself “better” in these moments since I have the tools. (The truth of this statement is that 30 years of habits don’t change overnight, and I’m still learning, and that learning doesn’t have an expiration date).
Next, I felt feelings of discomfort, fear, and disappointment.
In the moment, these feelings appeared as if they would stay for a while, which led me to feel helpless and think “Why does this happen to me?” (FYI—if we view things as happening ‘to us’ vs. having control over how we respond, it will definitely lead to feelings of helplessness vs. feeling empowered).
Nate and I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood, and both of us knew I was having an off day.
I felt very disconnected to him and myself.
Now, here’s where I know I’ve come a long way from my old patterns…
After 3 years of exploring relationship anxiety, I knew this was not related to Nate.
This was a me thing.
This was my own emotional state projecting outwardly onto Nate and our relationship.
This was me being caught up in fear, looking for what could go wrong, and trying to protect myself from any pain or hurt.
Knowing this, I was able to share some of what was going on internally with Nate—something I used to have a lot of hesitancy around, but now I know can lead to more connection in our relationship.
I kept the focus on me and my own feelings, not on the relationship. (Example: “I’m experiencing fear because the story I tell myself is that boring moments in the relationship will mean I made a wrong decision which means my life could not live up to its potential and ‘work out’”).
Side bar: the interesting part about all of these feelings and fears that were coming up is that they tie back to beliefs that are setting me up for failure.
If I believe that life always needs to work out exactly as I expect it to, and that’s the only way I will have had a “good life” or be a “good person”—I’m screwed.
Life isn’t always going to work out exactly how I expect it to, and my self-worth will be very fragile if that’s where I derive my worthiness.
But that’s a conversation for another time…
Back to Saturday and our walk.
Nate has heard me in a similar cycle before and was able to listen to me as I shared what was coming up for me.
He offered a couple pieces of helpful feedback (”where did you get the idea that life is supposed to “work out” a certain way?” + “you are being super hard on yourself”)…
But there was something he said was insanely powerful and stuck with me.
He said: “I’m here to support you, but I can’t fix it for you—you will have to find what works for you.”
OH SNAP, Nate!
When he said this, I knew in my bones he was right.
A few years ago, this type of message from him would have made me feel unsupported.
I would have told myself the story that “he should care more.”
That story would be missing so much context, because he cares a ton—and doesn’t hesitate to show it.
If anything, the way he can best care for me is to support me while I find ways to care for myself.
The inner spirals in my head are not Nate’s to manage—they’re mine.
The unworthiness I feel inside and project onto him or our relationship isn’t Nate’s to manage—it’s mine.
And the more I embrace this, the more I set him (and myself) free.
This was a powerful unlock for me, because as much as I know that I’m responsible for my feelings, sometimes it helps to have that reflected back to me.
Here are some other things I did after our walk and talk that helped—moving my body, getting out of the house to spend time with girlfriends here in Sweden, having vulnerable conversations and knowing I am not alone, and coming back to cozy up with Nate to watch the show Down for Love on Netflix. It’s very beautiful and reminded me that sometimes we overcomplicate love so much…and it gets to be simpler.
Back to the quote “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know”—specifically, the focus on [the thing] that wasn’t going away.
The things that haven’t gone away yet for me are:
- the self-judgment during downward spirals (which, spoiler alert, fuels the downward spiral more)
- the disappointment in life’s ebbs and flows (which are most certainly not going away anytime soon)
- the desire to want someone to come rescue me from myself sometimes (which is not helpful to me, or the person who I want to rescue me)
These are the patterns that I anticipate will continue to arise for me until they truly teach me what I need to know.
And note: when I say “go away” I don’t mean that I am expecting all discomfort or imperfection to go away. I am not expecting things to be easy and effortless and arrive to a place where I handle every moment “just right”.
What I do believe can go away (or lessen significantly) are the feelings that I layer on top of the experience I am having.
Here’s what I mean: I am not expecting my anxiety to fully go away. Yet—I don’t have to judge moments of anxiety for being there.
I don’t need to layer on top of the existing discomfort by thinking “this shouldn’t happen.”
What CAN potentially (with practice) “go away” is my belief system that says “this is not how this moment should go.”
And I look forward to continuing to show up, practice being human, and letting life teach me what I need to know bit by bit.
Which brings me to the second point…
2 - what we need to know [usually an important lesson]
As I write this, I am feeling in flow, I am feeling grateful, and I am feeling connected to myself and Nate.
Talk about a complete 180 from what I just shared, right?
I can’t even say for sure what got me here, and I’m not even going to try and explain it.
Why? Because that would involve me trying to guess and rationalize something vs. allowing there to be an element of mystery.
Was it the time I spent with girlfriends, a good night sleep, a different walk with Nate that felt the opposite of yesterday (good energy and connection — likely because of my OWN good mood)…
Or was it something totally different…something intangible, unexplainable, and something that can just be what it is.
It’s too tiring even trying to guess…so I am going to let it be.
Nonetheless, I write this from a much more connected place and I come with a handful of beautiful reminders to share.
All of these reminders feel important and meaningful to me.
All of these reminders came as a response of the things that didn’t “go away” yesterday…
All of these reminders are “things I need to know” that the universe keeps trying to teach me again and again…(one day I am confident these will realllly click, lol)
The reminders I was presented with are not new. They have shown up in many blogs and podcasts of mine before. They are lessons that apply to all areas of life, not just relationships. They are lessons I anticipate will present themselves often. They are still deeply important and meaningful to me.
I’m going to let them be short, sweet, and simple…
Take whichever one feels most-needed for you today, and trust that the rest will present themselves to you again at some point when you need them most.
Here are the reminders I was presented with:
- “This too shall pass” → nothing is permanent, especially our feelings
- An off day doesn’t have to become an off weekend, an off morning doesn’t have to become an off day → it’s okay to move forward into a new moment without harping on the last one. Come back to the present moment, regroup, and move forward
- Self-compassion is E V E R Y T H I N G → be kind to yourself through all of the feels and the ups and downs, you are worthy of giving yourself grace and love in this thing we call life
- Acceptance is all there is → the moment unfolding is already unfolding, and resisting it doesn’t help anything. Accept what’s in front of you, and then, if you’d like, you can decide to influence the next moment through taking intentional action
- Control what you can control → thoughts and feelings are not in our control, we can only control how we respond to them (hint: responding with love and kindness and empathy works much better than self-judgment)
I’m excited for these lessons to become more integrated in my life.
And I’m trusting that they will when they’re meant to—no sooner, no later.
If you’re reading this—just know you’re not alone in your human experience.
3+ years into my journey of learning about the mind, the body, anxiety, relationship anxiety, feelings, self-love (or lack thereof), communication…
And I am still experimenting.
I’m still figuring things out.
I’m still doing my best.
Know that I’m rooting for you (and me!) as we continue to navigate life, love, and being human ❤️
