Im going to cut straight to the chase:
I believe the difference between someone who’s caught in relationship anxiety and someone who’s able to move through it comes from their ability to detach from every single thought or experience having a deeper meaning.
I recently shared this story on my Instagram, but I really wanted to reiterate this point and dive into it more here.
Last week, something happened that I handled WAY differently than I would have 3 years ago
In case you missed the story—yesterday Nate woke up at 6am and couldn’t sleep so he decided to get up and start his day.
As he went to grab his phone, his charger unplugged from the wall and his phone and charger thudded onto our wooden floor causing a loud noise which startled me awake from my sleep.
At first I was scared and flustered, but then I was irritated to be woken up.
Fun fact about me: being woken up is not my fav thing, I like waking up on my own timeline when possible and maximizing my sleep.
What I am celebrating in the aftermath of this experience is how I showed up.
It was LIGHTYEARS ahead of how I would have responded 3 years ago in my most anxious moments.
I share this to give you hope that it’s absolutely possible for you, too.
3 years ago I would have been irritated and startled about the incident, but also creating stories and narratives in my head.
These stories would have been about who Nate is as a person, his character, and making up a list of reasons why we should not be together. I would have taken this incident as a sign that “he’s just so inconsiderate, why can’t he respect me and my sleep more.”
This would have been evidence that he “wronged me” and how he was wrong for me.
If this sounds a lil’ extreme—welcome to the mind of relationship anxiety.
If this sounds like exactly something you’d think too—know you are not alone.
Fast forward to the other morning and I still felt irritated and startled, but I was able to coach myself through the moment.
I want to normalize the irritation in response to this situation. I’m not here to tell you that once you reduce relationship anxiety, you’ll never feel irritated with your partner.
No, that’s not what changed. What changed was that I didn’t look at this irritation as a “sign” of ANYTHING.
I looked at it as a sign of being human and being in a relationship with another human.
- I reminded myself what happened was an accident.
- I reminded myself about Nate’s positive intentions: he is never trying to negatively affect me.
- I reminded myself that this didn’t need to mean anything, and it could just be another moment in my day.
When I woke up again (phew, glad I was able to fall back asleep!) I took care of myself.
I did some breath work, meditated, moved my body, ended my morning showed with a cold shower, and made some breakfast.
I slowed down to take care of my mind and body knowing that when my sleep is interrupted that it can affect me.
And I texted Nate to joke about the whole thing.
This is so far (and I mean SO FAR) ahead of where I was when everything had to be analyzed, or everything had some deeper meaning about me, Nate or our compatibility.
Now even if I am irritated, I accept that I am allowed to feel what I feel but don’t need it to be a reason we can’t be together
I know there will be moments of disappointment anger irritation [insert other uncomfy feelings here] in my relationship, but instead of that being evidence it cant work I take care of myself and move forward.
If you find yourself latching into everything your partner does or says as meaning something, just know that I did this all. the. time. too.
You’re not a bad person, you’re not doing something wrong, you’re not a terrible partner.
You’re just trying to protect yourself from making the wrong choice, or from failing, or from the uncertainty that relationships bring.
You’re just scared…and it’s coming out in the form of anxiety and analyzing.
But also know this: there are other ways to move through these moments.
Action: Next time you find yourself getting anxious about something that happened in your relationship—ask yourself “What am I making this situation* mean about my relationship? Is there room for another perspective? What would it be like if this didn’t mean anything and I could just move forward?”
*note: my content doesn’t apply to abusive relationships or experiences.
