read time: 8 min
“How do we deal with intrusive thoughts when we’re in a solid, loving, or even amazing relationship? The thoughts are so annoying!!!!” said one of my email community members as they suggested this blog topic.
And oof can I relate to this, hard.
I used to feel like my entire day could be thrown off course as a result of intrusive thoughts.
“What if me and Nate don’t work out in the future?”
“What if my tight chest and pit in my stomach is a sign I’m ignoring my intuition?”
“We’re not meant to be together”
“I don’t love him enough”
“I’m a terrible partner for thinking this way”
Some days, I still get distracted by them and have a hard time focusing (however they’re now mostly related to my business - though some still arise around relationships).
They are PESKY, to say the least.
Whatever “flavor” of intrusive thought you have, please know you’re not alone, and you’re not crazy.
Today, I’m going to share my understanding of intrusive thoughts and the delicate balance between when to try and “manage them” vs. leave them alone completely.
This post is inspired by insights shared in two of my favorite books, Anxiety Rx by Dr. Russell Kennedy (@theanxietymd on Instagram) and The Wisdom of Anxiety by Sheryl Paul (@wisdomofanxiety on Instagram).
Both books helped me better understand intrusive thoughts and empowered me to stop being a victim to them, and I recommend these books often to my community.
First let’s talk definitions here.
Sheryl Paul shares that “An intrusive thought is a repetitive, unwanted, and pervasive thought that causes suffering and prevents you from being present for your life.”
A couple noteworthy things within this definition that will be important context for the rest of the blog post:
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The thoughts are unwanted (as you likely experience yourself), which means that when they happen, you may feel “icky” for having them in the first place.
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The thoughts prevent you from being present, which means that they’re a form of distraction. Distractions can often be tempting when we’re trying to avoid certain things, such as feeling our feelings.
Another component of intrusive thoughts is that they feel so real in the moment.
Both Sheryl and Dr. Kennedy speak to this point:
Sheryl says “One of the defining qualities of an intrusive thought is that it appears as truth.”
Dr. Kennedy says "The trouble starts when, instead of seeing our worries as merely intrusive thoughts, we unconsciously accept them as true. We create these imaginings of the future, then magically believe and act as if they are real in the now."
Because the thoughts feel so true, it’s no wonder we feel anxious in the moment.
However, the interesting thing about all of this is that the anxiety we experience in the moment as a result of intrusive thoughts can lead to us being less rational.
And if we’re less rational, we’re less likely to pause, get curious, and question how much “truth” there really is to these thoughts in the first place.
Which can turn into one messy spiral. Been there, done that (many times)—maybe you can relate.
In today’s blog post, I’m going to cover a few things:
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Adding layers of meaning onto our intrusive thoughts can cause them to feel even scarier or more ‘powerful’
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Intrusive thoughts are often protecting us from acknowledging or experiencing uncomfortable feelings
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Potential ways to better manage intrusive thoughts when they inevitably arise
Please note, this article will give a brief glimpse into the complex and nuanced world of intrusive thoughts. I can’t possibly do justice to the amount of information and research out there around them.
Adding layers of meaning onto our intrusive thoughts can cause them to feel even scarier or more ‘powerful’
Humans are meaning-making machines.
Sometimes consciously, however most often subconsciously, we’re hard at work creating stories in our minds about what we’re experiencing on a day to day basis.
And the lens or frame of reference in which we view things has largely to do with how we’ve grown up.
What we experienced in the past, what beliefs and narratives we took in, what our unique perspective is about the world around us, etc.
Based on this lens or frame of reference, we will come up with reasons for why something is happening, if it’s “good” or “bad,” “safe” or “unsafe,” and more.
Humans are also wired to self-protect.
We want to experience safety, security, connection.
So when unwanted thoughts come up that disrupt our equilibrium and make us feel unsafe, of course we will react.
And our reaction will largely depend on the story we’re telling ourself about why this thought is there and what it must mean.
However, the anxious mind may fall trap to creating a worst-case scenario, or “all or nothing” meaning from a thought.
Let’s take the following example:
You’re snuggled up next to your loving partner and you start talking about the future together. Suddenly, the thought “but how do I know they’re the one?” pops into your mind. You immediately tense up and start feeling a tightness in your chest. You can’t push the thought away and think “why would I have this thought if this was the right relationship for me?” Soon—you’re in full-blown panic mode and need to excuse yourself to get some space.
Intrusive thought: “but how do I know they’re the one?”
Meaning created: “why would I have this thought if this was the right relationship for me?” AKA—this thought is bad, wrong, unacceptable, and means there is a problem.
The meaning created from this intrusive thought turns much scarier and powerful when it means that you are in the wrong relationship.
And of course, from that place, you would feel anxious, fearful, upset, and more.
In a Healthline article written by Kimberly Holland, she shares that “What gives [intrusive thoughts] power is that those who experience them become worried about their significance.”
A thought is just a thought until we add significance and meaning to it.
If we let thoughts pass, they have the potential to just be a small blip in the day.
If we grasp onto them, they have the potential to cause major anxiety.
More to come later on how to manage intrusive thoughts.
Next let’s dip into another important component of intrusive thoughts:
Intrusive thoughts are often protecting us from acknowledging or experiencing uncomfortable feelings.
Both Dr. Kennedy and Sheryl talk beautifully about how intrusive thoughts are typically distractions from feeling uncomfortable feelings.
Feelings like fear, grief or disappointment. Even feelings like joy (which can remind us we have something to lose).
And because it’s really difficult to sit with these feelings, or let them come up, we distract distract distract.
Disclaimer: if you experience PTSD or have major trauma to process, I recommend processing these feelings alongside a therapist.
Instead of allowing ourselves to say “I’m scared that I can’t predict the future of my relationship” and sitting in the fear that bubbles up from that, we jump into “what if they’re not the one? I’m not attracted to them, anyways, I’m probably settling...”
Instead of allowing ourselves to say “I’m grieving the fact that that relationships are challenging at times, and not like the RomComs” and sitting in the sadness that may arise, we jump into “someone else would make me less anxious, my partner isn’t perfect enough, I should feel more “in love” right?”
Instead of allowing ourselves to say “I’m disappointed that my partner can’t be responsible for my fulfillment,” and sitting in the dismay of being responsible for our own, we jump into “they’re not doing enough to make me happy, we’re not compatible enough, I wish my partner was more [xyz]”
And all the while, we’re not allowing the fear, grief or disappointment to express themselves.
Dr. Kennedy says that “the more dramatic the [intrusive] thoughts, the more effective the distraction from feeling.” Oof. So powerful.
This means that when we’re getting pummeled with intrusive thoughts, that there are likely some big feelings that need to be processed.
But instead, we shove those bigger emotions down and get trapped in a mental loop that truly never ends.
Why doesn’t it end?
Because most times, we’re asking ourselves unanswerable questions to keep ourselves up in the mind and out of the body and present moment.
Then this leads to becoming more and more disconnected from ourselves, our partners, and ultimately the relationship as a result.
Sheryl says that “The fear-based self believes that if you could answer the intrusive thoughts of the day, you would hedge your bets, and know, without any doubt, that you’re okay…”
This is often the trap of intrusive thoughts:
Desperately trying to find answers to questions that often don’t have clear-cut answers.
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You can’t know with 100% certainty if someone is the “one true perfect match” for you of 8 billion people in the world. It would mean being with every other person to compare.
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You can’t know with 100% certainty if your relationship will work out in the future. You have to live it and see.
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You can’t know with 100% certainty if that annoying quality of your partner’s will always annoy you or if you’ll eventually let it go. That comes with time.
You can’t guarantee a future without pain, loss, or challenges.
But the anxious mind wants to, at all costs, protect us, and so it tries to think of every possibility of danger, just in case.
So, what do we do with this information?
Potential ways to better manage intrusive thoughts when they inevitably arise.
We can’t “get rid of” intrusive thoughts.
It would be like asking your brain to shut off completely.
We have thousands of thoughts throughout the day, and many of them are random and unpredictable. It’s no different with intrusive thoughts.
However, knowing that adding a layer of meaning onto them affects our perception of the thought and that the thoughts are protecting us from feeling/there to help us self-protect, we can use this awareness to change how we respond.
When it comes to intrusive thoughts in my experience, there’s a balance between choosing to consciously interrupt the thought, ignore the thought, or tend to the thought.
Each of these could be useful in different moments.
I don’t think we should aim to 100% ignore the thoughts (as we may miss the chance to better understand why they’re coming up), however, it’s also not helpful to spend all of our time trying to understand them, either.
There can be a balance, and it absolutely depends on the context.
1 - Consciously interrupting the thought can come in the form of acknowledging its presence, and then aiming to shift away from thinking into body-based practices or ways to get back into the present moment.
This could be: breathing, stretching, walk outside, using the five senses to tap back into your body + the room around you. Dr. Kennedy says "I have found immeasurable relief in addressing the alarm of the body separately from the anxious thoughts of the mind"—his book talks about how important it is to involve our body when we’re looking to reduce our anxiety.
2 - Ignoring the thought can come in the form of acknowledging its presence but not reacting to it.
This could be: saying “it’s just a thought” and continuing on with your day.
3 - Tending to the thought may be exploring it with curiosity and seeing if there is more to it than meets the eye. In Anxiety Rx, Dr. Kennedy shares that the best reaction to worrisome thoughts is to hold the thoughts in a non-emotional conscious curiosity in the present moment.
This could be: not taking the thought at face value, and exploring if “what if they’re not the one?” is really protecting you from feeling the fears that come with an intimate relationship. This can be done in therapy or coaching if you don’t feel comfortable doing it on your own.
Intrusive thoughts are certainly not “fun” and can cause a lot of distress.
I won’t sugarcoat them and say “they’re no big deal—just use the information in this blog and you’ll be fine!!!!”
However, one of the reasons I remember feeling stuck or hopeless when I used to get very ‘sticky’ intrusive thoughts in my relationship was because I had no information about them, and no practices to help in the moments when they came up.
I hope this blog post helped you with a small piece of both of those things—more information and a few ideas for practices to help in the moments when they come up.
And if you’re looking to deepen your understanding of this topic and relationship anxiety as a whole, have a couple ways I can support you in that:
Deconstruct the Doubts, my digital course where I walk you through why relationship anxiety happens and give you tools to reduce the doubts. You can learn more and sign up here.
Private Coaching, a 12-week personalized program where I support you in feeling more confident in your relationship. You can learn more and apply here.
Thanks for reading!
