read time: 8 min
If you’re anything like me…
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You may like when things feel predictable and consistent in your life.
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You may like having a plan and sticking to it.
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You may like having a to-do list and being able to check it off bit-by-bit.
All of that is fine and dandy, except for these plans and to-do lists typically don’t account for the constant ebb and flow of life.
I use the phrase “ebb and flow” a lot and wanted to define it for the purposes of this blog post.
Wikipedia’s definition is: Ebb and flow are two phases of the tide or any similar movement of water. The ebb is the outgoing phase, when the tide drains away from the shore, and the flow is the incoming phase when water rises again.
In “real life”—ebbs are the times when I feel like things aren’t “going to plan,” my energy is lower, or I’m not in a groove, where flows are times when I feel like things are working out, I have momentum, and I’m in a groove.
Another way I interpret this is that while bodies of water are typically constant (aka—if I want to go to the waterfront here in Malmö, it’s still going to be there today, tomorrow, the next day…), their tides are constantly changing or fluid (aka—the level of water could be higher or lower, draining from shore or flowing back in).
The same can be said about most things in life + love.
While there are some things that may remain steady and constant, many many others will be in a state of ebb and flow.
The reason I wanted to write about this is because I feel like the beginning of September was one big ebb + the end of the month heading into present-day October, I feel very much back in flow.
The ebbs showed up for me in a few key areas: my emotions, my business, my relationship with Nate.
Before I give examples of what I mean, I wanted to share a few reflections now that I’m back in more of the “flow”:
1 - When ebbs comes up, it’s hard to see clearly.
This reflection is inspired by psychologist Martin Seligman’s research on how people deal with setbacks.
He found there are 3P’s—personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence—and how we respond to these determine how we’ll bounce back from hardship.
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Personalization: “this is all my fault” or “things are hard because I’m not doing life right.”
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Pervasiveness: “EVERYTHING is hard right now” or “it feels like nothing is going my way”
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Permanence: “this will last forever” or “I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, so it isn’t there”
I heard Brené Brown talk about this in a recent podcast episode, and whenever I am in an ebb period, I’ve noticed the 3 P’s tend to show up.
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I tend to be overly self-critical during challenging phases.
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I tend to be more pessimistic about other areas of my life (ex: if things feel hard in my business, that can bleed over into how I view my relationship).
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I tend to forget that challenging times always pass, and that it’s not a matter of if but when.
If you find yourself in an ebb and notice the 3 P’s coming up for you—just know that they are likely clouding your vision right now and to wait to try and “fix” things until you feel back into a more flow-y state.
Don’t try to force the flow to come, it will come in time.
We have to trust that the ebb will pass, and flow will find us again.
2 - Don’t make life-altering decisions from an ebb.
During an ebb, I tend to show up with more fear.
During a period of flow, I tend to show up with more clarity.
I don’t like to make decisions from a place of fear.
If I did, I’d probably have ended my relationship a long time ago, because there were plenty of moments when I was caught in so. much. fear. and felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
In moments of clarity, I’ve always wanted to move forward and show up in my relationship with more love.
In moments of fear, it’s hard to show up with love.
Whether it’s at your job, in your relationship, with friends and family, or other important things in your life, try to be patient enough to wait for clarity + flow to make your decisions, not give in to anxiety’s false sense of urgency during an ebb.
3 - Give yourself a LOT of compassion during an ebb.
Compassion tends to help ebbs shift into flow with much more ease.
On the flip side, being upset that you’re in an ebb, resisting the ebb, and shaming yourself for being in an ebb tend to make the ebb feel longer and worse.
Giving yourself compassion during an ebb should not just something you do in order to get the ebb to “hurry up already,” but it’s an opportunity to feel better in the midst of it.
This is something I am proud to say I have improved at.
I’m not perfect, and still tend to be my own worst critic, but I’m slowly but surely more able to recognize when I need to give myself compassion for being human.
It’s okay to have crappy times.
It’s okay to be emotional.
It’s okay if things feel hard.
It’s okay if you feel disconnected from things that normally bring you fulfillment.
It’s okay to cry.
It’s okay to get stuck in comparison traps.
It’s okay to feel behind.
It’s all okay.
When we shame ourselves for experiencing very normal human experiences, it feels icky.
It feels like we’re broken, something is “wrong,” and we need to “fix it.”
When we bring compassion into the picture, we can remind ourselves that being human isn’t all sunshine and roses.
We can allow ourselves to feel the grief, disappointment, or fear that comes up as a result of the hard moments without making those hard moments “bad.”
It’s tempting to just want the good stuff in life, we’re all guilty of it, but the more we can allow all of it to be there, the less we’ll resist the natural ebbs and flows of life.
Now, to make this a little more real and a little less hypothetical, let me share some of what was going on when I felt caught in my most recent ebb.
As I shared above, the ebbs showed up for me in a few key areas: my emotions, my business, my relationship with Nate.
As I also shared above, in life, there are things that tend to remain steady and constant, yet many others will be in a state of ebb and flow.
Here’s what that looked like for me recently:
My emotions
During my most recent ebb, I felt very self-critical, blah, and was responding negatively to my emotions.
Emotions are not bad in any way shape or form.
However, how we REACT to having emotions can be really important, and I was not reacting with kindness towards myself.
I was reacting as if the emotions I felt were bad, which was leading me to feeling shame, frustration, and irritation (mainly towards myself).
The “constant” here is that I will always have emotions.
What will continue to “ebb and flow” is how I react to these emotions.
I’m happy to say that right now I am back in a flow where I am feeling more compassion, inspiration, and acceptance for whatever emotions come up.
I would love to tell you I always show up with compassion, inspiration, and acceptance, but that wouldn’t be true… andddd, that’s likely my inner perfectionist creating unreasonable expectations.
Emotions are part of life, and I know with time, I’ll continue to become more and more accepting of them, and continue to look for the lessons within my emotions.
My business
During my most recent ebb, I felt a lot of self-inflicted pressure around my business.
This led to me getting stuck in comparison traps, feeling unclear in how I wanted to show up on social media, and made things feel more like “work” and less like something I’m passionate about (because…I AM passionate about what I’m bringing to the world).
It’s perfectly normal to have seasons where work feels more like work. Nothing wrong there.
Similarly to how I was reacting to my emotions above, had I been able to give myself permission to really be in an ebb with work, and trust that it was not “bad” or “wrong,” it may have felt a little easier in the moment.
I can see that now in hindsight.
There were a few weeks where I felt like “nothing was working,” and “can I even do this?”
I say this not to get any external validation, and the last thing I want to do is feel like I’m coming from a “woe is me” mentality. I have a lot to be grateful for in my business. AND, it’s okay to have “slumps” or times where things don’t seem to come together how I envision they will.
The “constant” here is my business. I don’t plan on going anywhere (can’t predict the future, of course), and so as of now, I can confidently say my business is a constant in my life.
What will continue to “ebb and flow” in my business is…well, a lot—the different ways I support my clients, different seasons of growth, different ways to support my online communities (hint: podcast coming soon!), and my mindset.
Two years into having my own business, I can say that it’s been one big ebb and flow, and that keeps it exciting.
I’m going to carry the lessons I learned from the last “ebb” in my business into the next one, I just know it.
And for now, I’m celebrating the new-found clarity and ease that’s coming with the current “flow” season I am in.
My relationship
Last but certainly not least, let’s talk relationships.
I mean, this is a relationship-focused blog after all…
During my most recent ebb, I felt like Nate and I were stuck in a routine, and going through the motions if you will.
This isn’t the first time this has come up, and it’s also not a “bad” thing.
Both Nate and I are in a season of growth in our careers right now. We moved to Sweden almost two years ago for him to take a job with a pretty solid amount of responsibility, and of course, that takes time out of his day/week.
Starting + growing my business also takes time out of the day/week. I tend to have more flexibility as my own “boss”—but that also has it’s downsides because I then am in control of being my own “off switch”—and sometimes I don’t turn the off switch off.
So, all that to say, sometimes things feel more routine and less exciting around here.
This is nothing out of the ordinary, and I know many other couples experience this.
I also know it can contribute to relationship anxiety.
Luckily, I’ve been through this enough with Nate to realize that the flow always finds us again, however, in the midst of the ebbs, it can still feel a bit more lonely.
The “constant” here is Nate. Regardless if we’re feeling more connected, or in a period of disconnection, he is my constant and my rock. I can’t guarantee what our future will hold, but for 6 years, through the ups and downs, Nate has been one incredible constant.
What will continue to “ebb and flow” in our relationship? So many things. How connected we are, how attracted we’re feeling towards one another, how intimate we’re being, how much newness and excitement we’re cultivating, how busy we are individually and together, how our individual emotions carry into the relationship, the love we’re feeling towards one another, and so much more.
Relationship anxiety doesn’t like this, at all. Why? Because:
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Relationship anxiety wants to know exactly how things will go.
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Relationship anxiety doesn’t trust the ebbs will end.
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Relationship anxiety expects love + relationships to be one big flow.
It’s just not how things work (in my experience, and from what I’ve studied from relationship experts).
I’m grateful to say that after the ebb most certainly came a flow in me and Nate’s relationship again.
We’re both feeling connected and open-hearted right now.
We acknowledged last week that we feel more love now for one another than we did 3 years ago.
And I trust that no matter how long this period of flow lasts, and no matter when the next ebb arrives, the feeling of love is still there beneath the surface and can be returned to at any time.
How? Well, when I’m not feeling so loving, I can work to remove the fear that’s blocking the love.
It’s a constant practice. It’s worth it.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but when we can accept that there will be constant ebbs and flows in love + relationships, we can move through both phases without latching on too tightly and making them mean anything.
We can move through a phase of flow without being attached to it staying forever.
We can move through an ebb without trying to rush it away and get “back to flow”.
