This post is all about navigating the thoughts around loss of attraction to a partner.
How important is attraction in a relationship or love interest?
The answer to that question may vary depending on who you ask.
I know that amongst those with relationship doubt or anxiety, there is a common fear that they’re not attracted to their partner enough (or at all).
And for someone who values attraction in a relationship or love interest, that would be an alarming fear or thought to have...
Thoughts like:
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“They’re not really my type, so doesn’t that mean we shouldn’t be together?”
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“Sometimes, I’m not attracted by them, or even worse, sometimes I’m disgusted by them.”
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“Attraction is important to me within a relationship so I need to choose someone who I’m attracted to.”
Have you ever felt this way before? Or something similar?
Let’s talk about all things attraction today and see if we can explore the different components and how they show up in the anxious mind within relationships.
Navigating Thoughts About Loss Of Attraction To A Partner
First, I wanted to start off with a couple definitions to set the tone for this article.
Oxford dictionary defines attraction as: the action or power of evoking interest in or liking for someone or something.
Wikipedia defines physical attractiveness as: the degree to which a person's physical features are considered aesthetically pleasing or beautiful. The term often implies sexual attractiveness or desirability, but can also be distinct from either.
Some key words that stand out to me in these definitions are “evoking interest,” “liking,” “aesthetically pleasing,” and “desirability.”
These are all words that share a similar meaning of make us want to move closer towards something or someone, which is how I understand attraction - a wanting to move closer.
And funny enough, the way I’d define and understand my experience of relationship anxiety is quite the opposite: due to fear, seemingly wanting to pull away from something or someone (even though deep down, I really wanted nothing more than to be more connected and close to Nate).
So the ironic part about all of this (which I will explain in more detail within this blog post!) is that the fear and anxiety that have us questioning our attraction in the first place is likely part of the cause of our lack of attraction.
OOF. Let that sink in for a second.
A reminder that you're human
Another thing I want to call out before we go deeper into attraction is that we’re living in a WEIRD time, to say the least.
Every relationship and person is unique, but as a collective, we’ve seen a lot of change over the last two years.
We’ve been stuck at home and had to quickly pivot our working or studying routines.
We’ve been living through challenging times that causes more fear and worry.
Some of us have been spending so much more time with our partners than we normally would (working from home together), and some of us have been spending so much less time with our partners than we normally would (long distance, perhaps)—both of which can impact our levels of attraction (always or never seeing someone is certainly influential to attraction levels).
Maybe we’ve gotten more used to our sweatpants and loungewear than putting on a “real outfit” and getting ready for the day.
Maybe we’ve let our self-care fall to the wayside because life has gotten in the way.
Whatever has happened in your unique experience over the last two years of uncertainty and confusion during the pandemic (and I know, I know, we’re all sick of talking about it...),please know that it makes so. much. sense. that our levels of attraction are in a weird place right now (for our partners, for ourselves, and for life in general).
I’m not here to make excuses or say that we should give up hope of cultivating more attraction, quite the opposite in fact.
I do, however, believe it’s important to first and foremost practice self-compassion and give ourselves a break when we’re being hard on ourselves.
And if you’re anything like me, I know that you’re probably being hard on yourself for not feeling as attracted as you think you “should be,” so before we get much further, I had to remind you that you’re human and you’ve just lived through a challenging two years.
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Navigating attraction (and loss of attraction)
Now, let’s discuss a handful of components of attraction and how to navigate them:
We’re attracted to mystery and separation, and paradoxically, when we’re too connected to someone, we can lose both the mystery and separateness that leads us to feel attracted:
Esther Perel’s research on the paradox of connection and passion is fascinating.
She shares beautifully that “When people become fused—when two become one—connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex” (I am lumping attraction, intimacy, and sex together for this context—but realize they’re not always one and the same).
So what does this mean in terms of relationships?
Well… it means that too much distance from the others in a relationship means no connection, but too much connection means no separateness…and no separateness means that you lose the passion (and attraction) that was once more naturally there as a result of being more separate from your lover.
And where this gets even more complex is that humans generally value BOTH security and passion in their lives and relationships. Yet these two needs can actually be opposing of one another, which creates cognitive dissonance and discomfort internally.
How the heck then do we allow two separate things to be true and hold space for both?
That we crave deeper emotional connection, AND passion?
That we crave predictability from our partner, and yet passion and eroticism thrive with unpredictability?
That we crave familiarity over change, and yet when we get stuck in ruts or routines, we end up losing our desire or attraction?
Well, it takes first understanding this paradox between passion and connection, and then it also takes making room for connection AND separateness within your relationship containers.
Take time to strengthen your connection to yourself, AND with your partner. Don’t prioritize one over the other, make both of them a priority.
Take time to leave mystery in your relationship–maybe you don’t need the full play-by-play of your partners days, maybe you can allow for some unknown to be there.
Take time to shift out of ruts and routines to keep things more exciting, and be sure to nurture the things in your relationship that keep you connected - you can do both.
Understanding this important relationship dynamic can help you better understand your patterns of attraction or lack thereof.
Attraction is deeper than someone’s physical appearance, despite what narratives society has pounded into us:
I think many of us know deep down the expression of “don’t judge a book by its cover” can ring true in many scenarios.
I’d argue this is especially true of humans—we’re so complex, and judging based on what’s on the outside is a slippery slope.
It’s really hard to not judge books by their covers, but nonetheless, I find the phrase to be very true in the context of physical attraction.
The hard truth is, physical appearance changes over time.
If we’re lucky enough to grow old and grey, we’re going to do just that—grow old and grey.
We’re not immune to that, and neither are our partner(s).
So, knowing this, what attracts you to your partner BESIDES their physical appearance?
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Is it the way that they’re incredibly supportive of you and your anxious feelings?
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is it the way that they are driven and self-motivated?
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Is it the way that they always know when something is off or you’re having a bad day and check in with you?
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Is it the way that they are goofy and make you laugh at the silliest things?
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Is it the way that they’re kind to everyone they meet, including strangers?
I want you to think deeper than physical appearances here.
And I’m not going to kid myself and say “ignore their appearance completely”—however, make space for what’s beyond the physical appearance, too.
And remind yourself what’s beyond the physical appearance frequently.
It’s really hard to push past the narrative that physical appearance is the most important thing, especially when we see airbrushed advertising in the media all. the. time.
We may consciously think “looks don’t matter that much to me!” but deep down feel like we have to be outwardly attractive and be with someone who is outwardly attractive, so internally, our subconscious is really thinking “am I attractive enough? are they attractive enough? are we attractive enough together (or is one of us “better looking?”)
And that leads me to the next point of attraction, which is...
Attraction (or lack thereof) stems from our own internal dialogue and beliefs about ourselves and the world:
Let me take a wild, crazy guess here...
You’re critical of your appearance.
Was I right, or was I right?
I’ll be the first to admit I care way too much about my appearance.
And that isn’t me even trying to shame myself, or say that it’s wrong to care.
However, I know myself and I definitely have spent days, maybe even months in total time worried about my physical appearance and how ‘attractive’ my personality is over the course of my life.
And not in a loving way, in a self-deprecating way.
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“Am I skinny enough?”
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“Am I too pale?”
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“Am I pretty?”
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“Am I well-liked/cool enough?”
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“Do I fit in?”
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“What does this person think of me?”
The list of my insecurities truly goes on and on and on...
I’ve gradually grown more confident and less focused on what others think, but I’m still human, and I still get stuck in these thoughts.
So it’s no surprise that I’d be quick to (and still am at times quick to) notice Nate’s appearance.
I’ve mentioned in previous blog posts before that one of my first impressions of Nate was “he’s super cute...but he’s my height so doesn’t matter.”
I mean...really, Sarah?! Is that the qualification of a kind, loving, supportive partner?
Well, at the time, yes it was, or one of them…at least subconsciously.
I had some major work to do when it came to poking holes in my former beliefs of what attraction means and how important physical appearance was to me.
Anyways, back to attraction stemming from our own internal dialogue and beliefs about ourselves and the world.
If you are critical of yourself, you’ll likely be critical of your partner.
If you are highly focused on appearance, you’ll likely be focused on your partner’s appearance.
If you are worried what others think of you, you’ll likely be worried about what others think of your partner.
What are your beliefs about your own attraction and worthiness, and how are these being projected onto your partner?
That is worth understanding.
And that can start with spending some time asking yourself what attraction means to you, where you learned that definition, seeing if it’s still relevant/helpful, and shaping a new definition if needed.
Humans are more than just their parts (both the “flaws” and the “gems”), and they’re not there to make our lives better:
When we’re analyzing attraction to someone else, we often are picking apart specific parts of their appearance or personality.
Maybe they’re not tall enough, fit enough, or “not your type.”
Maybe they’re not funny enough, not spiritual enough, or driven enough.
Whatever the parts of this person are that are unattractive, it’s easy to get bogged down in those as reasons why this person isn’t the right person for us.
But when we really hear what we’re unintentionally saying when we believe these thoughts is that:
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“I’m better than you because you’re not attractive enough” or
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“I’d be happier (less anxious, whatever) if they looked/acted more like I expect”
And even though those things may feel so true in the moment—is that the way you want to operate?
Putting another human being into a box based on certain qualities or flaws and not factoring in the other beautiful things too? (assumes this person is treating you with respect and love).
When you really take a step back, it’s important to gain awareness of these beliefs and patterns and decide if they’re helpful.
“Do I want to be the type of person who thinks that I’m better than someone based on their appearance and mine?”
“Do I want to be the person who bases my happiness on someone else’s appearance and personality?”
“Do I want to value physical appearance over someone’s heart? Do I want to value someone’s personality based on parts of themselves, or based on their full humanity?”
Really get honest with yourself here.
And please know this article is not meant to cause shame or guilt.
It’s very common in the mainstream narrative (and maybe from other experiences we’ve had growing up) to get trapped in thinking that looks are the most important thing, and that personality “flaws” are a sign to run in the other direction.
I see you, I’m with you, I get trapped in this thinking all the time, too.
AND, I also know we’re capable of clearing out some of that noise and creating new beliefs.
Before I get into ways to cultivate more attraction in your life and towards others (and yourself), I want to normalize two final things:
Attraction comes and goes:
I’m going to be real with you—attraction isn’t a permanent state of mind unless we’re consciously creating that state of mind at all times.
It’s not a magical feeling that stays with us.
If we’re irritated, disgusted, depressed, lethargic, grumpy, sad, worried, or in self-loathing mode, how are we expected to feel attraction towards anything, let alone another human?!
That’s why I think it’s so important to normalize that attraction comes and goes, ebbs and flows.
As well as normalizing cultivating more of it when levels of attraction are low (more on that shortly).
There will likely be moments where all of the below is true:
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you’re not attracted to your partner
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you’re not attracted to yourself
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your partner is not attracted to you
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your partner is not attracted to themself
There’s going to be some times where you will have to cultivate attraction through intentionally looking for it, not just waiting for it’s arrival.
And that’s okay!!! We’ve just never really been told that before.
Attraction doesn’t have to be all or nothing, there or not there, 100% or 0%. It can be an evolving, flowing state of mind that comes and goes, and is stronger at times and weaker at others.
Let’s stop putting it into a box that is impossible to measure up to.
Attraction starts within:
One final ‘component’ of attraction I wanted to address is that it starts from within.
Are you feeling good within your own mind, body, spirit?
The answer to that question likely affects how you view others around you.
When I feel insecure, I am quick to judge myself and others.
When I feel great, I am usually enjoying myself and less worried about what others are doing, how they’re acting, or how they’re looking.
So if you’re feeling less attraction to your partner, ask yourself this: am I even feeling attracted to myself right now?
And not in the literal sense - more so how are you feeling overall about your life and your wellbeing.
Focus on shifting THAT first before latching onto your partner.
How to cultivate more attraction
I’ll say once again that the ironic part about all of this is that the fear and anxiety that have us questioning our attraction in the first place is likely part of the cause of our lack of attraction.
The tendency for us to focus so much on the attraction, then analyze it is likely contributing to us feeling less attractive and less attracted.
And when we realize this, we can decide to do something about it.
What the heck can we do, then?
In addition to asking yourself what attraction means to you, where you learned that definition, seeing if it’s still relevant/helpful, and shaping a new definition if needed (which I shared earlier)—there are a handful of ways we can begin to cultivate more attraction.
1 - The first is by asking three great questions, which I found on a blog post from sex therapist Vanessa Marin.
She recommends that you ask yourself the below to help identify where some attraction can be cultivated:
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What is it that you’re actually looking for from your partner?
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What does attraction mean to you?
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What does it say about your values?
An example she gave was if a partner has gained weight because they don’t exercise, and the weight doesn’t bother you but the lack of treating themselves well or laziness does.
This may mean that you’re looking for drive and self care from your partner, that attraction means someone who makes time to prioritize their wellbeing, and that you could value self-improvement.
2 - After this awareness, you may consider discussing with your partner.
In the article, Vanessa gives examples of a kind way to bring this up vs. a way that may be more hurtful.
Kind: “I want us to have a relationship where we value our own self-care over the million other distractions life throws at us. How can we be a team in prioritizing us taking care of ourselves?”
Hurtful: “It’s awful that you haven’t worked out in years.”
This conversation may help move the needle forward in building more attraction.
3 - Put time into feeling attractive yourself—a focus on self is always hugely helpful for your own wellbeing and how you show up in your relationship is affected by how you show up for yourself
4 - Quality time and connection away from screens—hard to be attracted when you’re not spending time connecting to your partner’s essence
5 - Ask each other “what makes you feel attracted to me?” and aim to do more of those things
6. Air out any lingering resentments (in a kind way, not a judgmental critical way) and try to solve for them if possible. It’s hard to be attracted to someone when you’re secretly pissed at them
7 - Use confirmation bias to your advantage—confirmation bias is the pull towards confirming our existing beliefs (ex: “my partner is not attractive” would make you look for ways they are not). We can use this in our favor and look for ways in which you ARE attracted. Not forcing it, but looking for the little things and keeping an eye out
8 - Add in more eye contact and touch to your routine, even little moments of it. This idea came from sex therapist Vanessa Marin
9 - Keep things fresh and exciting—try new things, get out of your routines and ruts, and see if that shifts your energy at all
Final thoughts
Losing attraction (or not feeling much of it to begin with!) is painful and causes shame.
It’s not a fun feeling to have, especially when we hear that “you should only have eyes for your lover” and other stories like that.
I hope this blog post helped you realize that this isn’t such a shameful thing after all, and that we have more power over attraction levels than we think we do.
Thanks for reading!
And a couple quick disclaimers:
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This article assumes you’re in a relationship that you WANT to work out
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This article assumes you’re in a relationship without abuse present
This post was all about navigating the thoughts around loss of attraction to a partner.
If you liked this post about loss of attraction to a partner, you might also like:
Is It Anxiety Or Intuition? How To Trust Your Inner Wisdom
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If you'd like support in deepening your understanding of this topic, and to learn from someone who's been in your shoes and feels much more peace and confidence now—I have a couple ways I can support you in that:
Deconstruct the Doubts, my digital course where I walk you through why relationship anxiety happens and give you tools to reduce the doubts. You can learn more and sign up here.
Private Coaching, a 12-week personalized program where I support you in feeling more confident in your relationship. You can learn more and apply here.
