The statement "don't settle" has good intentions, but can sometimes be detrimental for those of us with anxiety.
It may lead us to worry: "what the heck does settling mean, and how can I make sure I'm not settling?"
I believe someone who tells us this has our best interests at heart and want to see us happy, however, the unintended consequences of this is that we may start to chase perfectionist ideas in an attempt not to settle.
Like the idea that “life shouldn't be wasted with anyone less than you deserve”.
Like the idea that “you should always be happy”.
Like the idea that “love is easy and effortless”, and if you're not experiencing it that way—well, you're in the wrong relationship.
While I don't disagree with these statements, there is absolutely some important context missing.
Yes, I believe you should be in a relationship where you're being treated well. AND. I believe that we're each individually responsible for expressing our needs and triggers clearly to our partners so that we can co-create our fulfilling relationship.
Yes, I believe that you should live a life with happy, joyful moments. AND. I believe that life and relationships are not sunshine and roses all the time, so striving for a relationship without any problems is going to be a tall order to fill.
Yes, I believe that you can get to a place in your relationship where it feels more easy and effortless. AND. I believe that takes a shit ton of work, vulnerability, and willingness to roll up your sleeves and get there. It doesn't just happen overnight.
So when we hear "don't settle" in the world of relationships, I think it should be unpacked. What is the underlying or subconscious messaging here—and is it helping us?
Are we saying that the relationship shouldn't have any boring or mundane moments?
Are we saying that the relationship shouldn't have any hardship?
Are we saying that the people in the relationship should be perfectly compatible?
Are we saying that there shouldn't be any difficult conversations to work through?
Are we saying that there should be feelings of love, attraction, and joy all the time?
What are we really saying in the statement “don’t settle”?
Because all of the things I just listed above are parts of a healthy, loving relationship, too.
It's okay to have boring and mundane moments—there can be magic in the mundane.
It's okay to have hardships—life isn't easy.
It's okay to have incompatibilities—we're not with our clones.
It's okay to have difficult conversations—they bring opportunities for growth.
It's okay if you don't feel love, attraction, and joy all the time—those feelings come and go, and you actually have more control over cultivating them than you may think (a blog topic for another time...).
((EDIT: blog post that shares how to cultivate attraction can be found here.))
Before we go further, I'd love for you to pause and reflect on what "settling" means to you.
Go ahead, pause for a moment before you keep reading and think about it.
Was there a negative connotation in your definition of settling?
I am going to guess yes.
If I reflect back on my anxious days, I used to think settling was automatically a bad thing.
It meant maybe I wasn't fulfilling my potential, or was potentially missing out on something "better" for me—even though I wasn't basing that off of experience, it was based off of fearful thoughts.
"Maybe someone else out there will be better for me..."
"Maybe someone else out there will do more of ____ [insert quality I want in a relationship], or not do ____ [insert quality I was irritated by in my relationship], and I will be happier..."
And all of this assumes that there is a perfect partner out there waiting for you to sweep you off your feet and save you from the anxiety you're currently experiencing.
While I can't promise you that person isn't out there—I also can't promise you they are.
And all the while, as you think about this potential person or situation that would make you feel more fulfilled, or happy, and less like you're "settling"—you're not growing deeper in your current relationship.
In fact, you're one-foot-in-one-foot-out.
And who's to say that you can't create the relationship that makes you feel like you're not settling WITH this current person?
Great relationships take effort.
They don't just plop into your lap and stay great forever.
And if you're up for it—you can help create the dream relationship you're looking for with the person you’re currently with—here are some questions to ask yourself to start making it happen: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CNaC4iOjXSc/.
So what if we got this whole "settling" thing wrong the whole time?
As I sat down to write this blog post, I looked up definitions of settling and came across lovely ones...
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"adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and home."
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"make one's permanent home somewhere."
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"begin to feel comfortable or established in a new situation."
What if settling is really becoming more steady or secure in our relationship?
Settling into life with our partner, or settling into our relationship 'flow' if you will.
We each get to create our own meaning from a word.
For me, I no longer look at settling as a bad thing.
I look at it as choosing my partner, instead of wishing for something potentially better out there.
I look at it as jumping into my relationship with two feet, not being one-foot-out.
I look at it as a permission slip to stop comparing my unique relationship to others I see online and making assumptions that theirs are more joyful than mine.
As always, my blog posts assume you're in a safe relationship without abuse taking place.
I'm not speaking to those who are in a relationship where they are being mistreated consistently, and where they're being disrespected by their partners.
If that is the case for you, please do not discount your anxiety.
However, if you are being treated with love and respect, and if you can envision yourself growing with your current partner, I hope this blog post expanded your definition of what it means to "settle" or not.
And if you're looking to further unpack this alongside a coach (such as myself), or a therapist—I highly recommend it. Sometimes we have blinders on or are deeply in the thick of our own anxiety and can't see past it.
Apply to work with me here.
What was your definition of settling before and after reading this post? Let me know in the comments!
