This post explores the topic of shame vs. guilt in in relationships.
Shame vs. Guilt
One of my all-time favorite authors, podcast host, and just overall inspirational people to follow is Dr. Brené Brown.
Her research has had a deep impact on me ever since I first read Daring Greatly.
For those who may not know Brené, she is a Shame + Vulnerability researcher who has published six amazing books, all of which I will link to at the bottom of the post.
Brené's podcast, Unlocking Us, goes deep into topics that many people are unwilling to talk about, and she helps normalize the full range of human emotions (including the not-so-fun ones).
Recently, I rewatched her second Ted Talk about shame, and how it differs from guilt. I thought this topic was so important to discuss because it comes up frequently in the world of relationships (be it intimate, between friends and family, or colleagues), and was very prevalent throughout my struggles with relationship anxiety.
Brene Brown helps distinguish the difference between shame and guilt as:
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Shame: “I am bad”
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Guilt: “I did something bad”
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Shame: “I am wrong”
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Guilt: “I did something wrong”
Without going much further, you can already see how harsh shame is compared to guilt. Both can take a toll on our mental health, but...
Shame is a direct attack on our own character, and often results in feeling ‘never good enough.’
It makes us feel lonely, less than, and low. It may even make us question if we are worthy of love. As human beings, we will experience shame from time to time.
Some examples of the ways the intensely painful feeling of shame has crept up on me have sounded like:
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“I’m not pretty/skinny enough”
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“I’m a bad girlfriend”
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“I’m not smart enough”
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“Why am I questioning my relationship so much? That must mean the relationship is not right, or that I’m a bad person for thinking these thoughts”
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“I’m not a relationship expert, so maybe I should not create a blog on relationships”
On and on and on.
Staying stuck in a place of shame instead of guilt can really take a toll.
It's no wonder that shame is highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide and eating disorders.
On the other hand, guilt is inversely correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide and eating disorders.
Guilt, while not the best feeling, is certainly much better than shame.
Let's compare my feelings of shame above, and how they would look different if I shifted my mindset + made them feelings of guilt instead:
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“I don't think I look my best today, which results in me not feeling my best. I wish I had spent a little more time getting ready”
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“I feel guilty that I was snippy towards Nate, I know I can do better next time”
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“I wish I could figure this problem out, I’m not feeling on my game today!”
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“I feel guilty that I am questioning things with Nate in this moment, I hope I can sort through these feelings soon”
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“I know that I still have a lot to learn about relationships, and will continue to be transparent with my audience that I am learning alongside them”
When we live in a place of shame, we are our own worst critics, where positive changes seem impossible.
When we can come from a place of guilt instead, we give ourselves grace to move forward and try to do better next time.
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Luckily for us, there is an antidote to shame, and that’s empathy.
One of the most powerful tools for reducing shame is to hear someone say the phrase "me too." This can change how a person feels about their own shame. That power of vulnerability that can cause someone to say "me too" is amazing.
When I was stuck in peak relationship anxiety, I thought I was the only one feeling this way. I had no idea there were other people who were feeling doubts and uncertainty about their relationship. It was when I came across other people who had the same experience, that indirectly said “me too” through sharing their story, that a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I felt ready to start doing the work to overcome it.
Realizing that I was not alone in my struggles meant everything—and more.
When I started talking openly about my story—the secrecy, silence, and judgment were gone.
A huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
The shame was gone.
So with all that said, I wanted to leave you with some advice based on my own recent experiences…
Even though it can be hard and scary to share your struggles with other people, and you may feel ashamed of something going on in your life—I can assure you, you are not doing yourself a service by keeping it hidden.
Share your story.
Let other people in.
Let people support you, and say "me too."
Get that weight off your shoulders. Release those negative emotions.
Be free.
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Here are some quick links to Brene’s Books!
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Next step: if you liked this post about shame vs guilt, you may also like:
Relationship Doubt Causing Guilt? Here's How To Release It
How To Navigate The Fear Of Hurting Your Partner
“Am I In Love Enough?”
Is It Anxiety Or Unmet Needs?
Ready to grow in your relationships?
Whether you're feeling stuck in relationship anxiety, craving clarity, or simply wanting to feel more secure in love, I have supportive tools to guide you:
🧠The Relationship Anxiety Toolkit: A 21-day self-paced guide to help you move break free from anxious patterns in your relationship
🌱The You Love and You Learn Patreon: Join a compassionate community where we normalize the ups and downs of love. Get access to monthly challenges, exclusive trainings, live Q&As, and a safe space to grow alongside others who get it.
🎧Private Coaching: If you’re ready for deeper, personalized support on your journey toward secure love, I offer limited 1:1 coaching spots to help you reconnect with yourself and your relationship.
