"How do I know if the issue is relationship anxiety or if [they] don’t meet my needs to feel loved completely?"
- member of my email community
This is a complex question, and one that I wish had an easy answer.
The truth is, as with many questions that involve the topic of relationships, there is no 'one right way' to know this, and knowing if someone meets your needs to feel loved completely is a very subjective thing.
My needs to feel loved are completely different than those who are reading this.
I figured it may be helpful to break down this question into two parts.
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How do I know if the issue is relationship anxiety
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How do I know if they] don’t meet my needs to feel loved completely?
Let's start off with discussing relationship anxiety:
In my experience, relationship anxiety feels like a bottomless pit of "what if's"
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What if I am settling in this relationship?
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What if I am not "in love" enough?
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What if my partner is not "The One?"
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What if our incompatibilities are actually red flags?
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What if this quality that irritates me now will always irritate me? Can I handle that?
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What if we break up in the future and I could have avoided this now?
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What if that other couple is happier than we are, and I could have that too?
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What if this really isn't relationship anxiety but a sign my intuition is trying to tell me something?
And no matter how hard you try to grasp for answers to these what if's—you almost always come up empty-handed.
This is because many of these questions are fundamentally un-answerable or un-measurable.
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We don't really know if we're settling, we have to eventually come to trust what is good enough for us, or we'd have to perpetually date around forever comparing partner to partner, which doesn't feel sustainable.
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We don't really know if we're "in love enough" because there isn't a universal measurement for how much you should be in love, and what that feels like for everyone. We try to put words to it, but everyone's experience is unique to them.
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We don't really know if our partner is "The One" until we've lived a lifetime by their side.
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We don't really know if an incompatibility is a red flag (there aren't universal red flags - we have to dig deep inside our own inner wisdom and decide for ourselves).
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We don't really know if a quality that irritates us will always irritate us until we either continue getting irritated by it and eventually determine if it's a deal-breaker of if we can accept that our partner isn't perfect, they're human, or we practice changing our reactions to the quality.
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We don't really know if we will break up in the future—I hate to be the one to bear this news, but we're not in control of the future. We can only show up moment to moment and try to shape how things go, but there's not way to predict the future.
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We don't really know if another couple is "happier than we are"—we can perceive them to be, but happiness is subjective, and we also often don't know the full story. How much do you post about or talk about your relationship anxiety to others? Everyone has something going on that we don't fully understand.
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And finally, we may not really know if our intuition is trying to tell us something unless we learn how to listen to our intuition from a place of clarity, calm and presence—not from a place fear and panic. More on that in my blog post on intuition.
In addition to bottomless pits of what-ifs, relationship anxiety convinces us that the relationship isn't enough (or else we'd feel totally at ease), like something's missing (but we can't quite put our finger on it), and that we'd be happier with someone else who "doesn't cause us any anxiety" (which, if we're in a healthy, loving relationship, may not quite be the case).
Relationship anxiety convinces us that somewhere out there, in another relationship, with another partner, we'll be happier.
And I can't promise that isn't true. But I also can't promise it is.
I'll get to more of this when I discuss the question of "How do I know if they] don’t meet my needs to feel loved completely?"—but our partner's are not need-fulfilling machines.
What do I mean by this?
They're not there to meet our needs, but rather to help meet some of our needs, and support us while we get other needs met elsewhere (either by ourselves, or via friends, family, community, etc.)
They're not there to make us happy, but rather to add to our happiness.
They're not there to make us feel loved, but rather to love us as best as they can, and help us see our own worthiness and love-ability.
If you re-read those statements again, the subtle differences there are very important.
Because one of those sets of expectations add a ton of pressure to your partner, while the other puts responsibility on you.
So before I go deeper into the topic of your partner "meeting your needs to feel loved completely"—I ask you this: is that their job?
Noodle on that for a bit before moving on to this next section:
How to know if a partner doesn’t meet your needs to feel loved completely:
A few things came in mind as I was sitting down to write this section…
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Wants vs. needs
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What the word "completely" alludes to subconsciously
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Clarifying if a partner really can't meet (or is not willing to meet) your need as opposed to needing time to get there, or to better understand your needs
Wants vs. needs
In his book How to be an Adult in Relationships, David Richo discusses five human needs within relationships:
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Attention: focus towards us and our thoughts, feelings, needs and wishes
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Acceptance: being received respectfully (and our feelings, personal traits, desires)
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Appreciation: being admired and respected for the unique human we are
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Affection: closeness emotionally and physically level in a way that encompasses kindness, consideration, playfulness and thoughtfulness.
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Allowing: allowing our full range of emotions to be accepted, allowing one's unique personhood pace to exist.
In our relationships (intimate, friends, family, the relationship to ourselves, community), we desire to have a mix of these 5 A's being met in order to feel fulfilled.
These “5 A's” are not to be provided 100% of the time by a partner, and are actually more-so encouraged as needs we should learn to provide for ourselves, too, not only expect of others.
David Richo even goes as far as to say that a partner should be expected to meet 25% of these needs, and the other 75% we should find ways to meet ourselves (not literally on our own, but through other ways (can include other relationships, for example, with friends).
There are other definitions of human needs from other authors, however, let's use these 5 A's as an example to discuss the difference between wants and needs.
When it comes to attention, for example, a want could be "I want you to always be there to listen to me whenever I need it, and support me" but do you really need that from your partner, all the time? What is the core need of attention that would feel meaningful from your partner? Reflect on that, and ask if you really "need" everything you think you do, or if you just "want" it because you think that's what you "should” have.
Same with the other 4 categories.
What are your "wants" and "nice-to-haves" vs. your deep needs.
Once you have established those—it's also important to ask: how can I meet some of these needs for myself, or within other relationships I have (community, family, friends, colleagues, etc.)
Because, as we said, it’s not our partner’s job to meet all of your needs…which leads me to the next point:
What the word "completely" alludes to subconsciously
Going off of what I just shared with our partner meeting our needs 25% of the time—I want to point out that in the question, be it intentionally or subconsciously, the word "completely" was used.
"How do I know if the issue is relationship anxiety or if [they] don’t meet my needs to feel loved completely?"
And to that I say—it's not our partner's job to make us feel loved completely.
It takes a damn village for that.
And the leader of that village is ourselves. No one else can be responsible for leading that village but us.
Within that village, we may have caretakers, siblings, best friends, colleagues, grandparents, aunts and uncles, acquaintances, local community members or neighbors, friends from our workout classes or other hobbies, therapists, coaches, and, of course, our intimate partners.
And even then, we may not feel 100% completely loved all the time in every way on every day.
Life is challenging at times, and some days we may not feel fully loved in the exact way we're craving it.
And sitting with that disappointment sucks.
But, in my experience, the amount of love we are able to receive is usually related to how open our hearts are, and how much love we're willing to give.
So even when it feels like we're not "feeling loved completely"—we may have a larger role in that than we think (all of this assumes you're in a relationship where you're being treated with respect and kindness).
Which leads me to my last point to make…
Clarifying if a partner really can't meet (or is not willing to meet) your needs as opposed to needing time to get there, or to better understand your needs.
Building a strong relational foundation where you understand your partner at a deep level (which includes how they feel most loved and supported by you) takes time.
It takes communication.
It takes commitment to moving through challenges and misunderstandings.
It takes going back to the drawing board when things aren't going "to plan."
It takes communicating AGAIN, because we're humans and sometimes we need to hear things more than once.
It takes agreeing on things, not demanding things.
It takes clarifying expectations, time and time again.
It takes a willingness on both ends, and agreeing on this willingness, vs. assuming it "should be there."
We all have different needs, and it's our job to make sure our partner very clearly knows about our need (with specifics!), and that they are willing to meet the need for us (sometimes, not all the time at the drop of a hat).
The phrase "here is a need I have in this moment—are you willing to meet this need?" is hugely helpful vs. unsaid expectations.
This gives your partner a chance to step up and support you.
However, if you try that, and/or if there have been many discussions about a specific need, your partner has agreed to the need, and the need is still not being met—you can ask yourself a couple things:
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is this a need, or a want?
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if it's a need, is this a need I can get met elsewhere with another relationship in my life (not necessarily saying another intimate relationship, unless you have an open or non-monogamous relationship)?
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if the answer is no, am I willing to be in this relationship where the need cannot be met, or is this a deal-breaker? (this isn't an easy question to answer, but my opinion is that it's better to try and answer sooner than later—and if you don't know, you don't know—and you can trust that in time the answer may be more clear)
If you don't think you've been clear enough about your needs, or would like to try to have another discussion with your partner to make sure they're clear on what your needs are and willing to meet them—that's always worth it in my book.
Better to try and over-communicate and ensure you're on the same page, than leave things unsaid and feeling resentful that your needs are not being met. (in my opinion!)
Ultimately, it's not our partner's job to meet our needs completely, but of course it's really lovely when they do meet certain needs and we can grow closer as a result.
Sharing why a need is important to you and asking if your partner is willing to meet it is a brave thing to do.
Hopefully, you're in a situation where your partner (more often than not) is willing to listen to you expressing your needs and wants to help when they can (and is genuinely doing so as often as they have the capacity to).
If not, this is information you have and you can make a decision with.
Between getting more clarity on what relationship anxiety feels like and diving deeper into needs within a relationship, I hope the question of "How do I know if the issue is relationship anxiety or if [they] don’t meet my needs to feel loved completely?" feels a little more manageable.
If you're still feeling confused or desire more help getting closer to an answer to this question, it may be worth getting additional support.
I have a few ways to do so! (updated 6/16/22):
1 - my recent webinar replay: “is it anxiety or incompatibility?” - helps you answer this question with more clarity and ease
2 - Check out my self-study course Deconstruct the Doubts, which is perfect for someone who wants to confidently choose their partner and relationship and have access to the information TODAY!
3 - Learn more about Private Coaching (now accepting applications for September start).
Rooting for you, always!
