You may have heard someone say “you’re speaking my love language” or say that their love language is pizza. One of my love languages is definitely chicken tenders & honey mustard…
Jokes aside, learning about love languages has been a huge game changer in my relationship and I know this concept is something everyone can benefit from.
So what are love languages?
The term ‘love language’ was coined by Dr. Gary Chapman, who wrote his book The Five Love Languages back in 1995.
Even though the book is 25 years old—the content is timeless. Gary’s main takeaway is that everyone feels loved and appreciated in different ways and there is no one size fits all approach for showing love that resonates with everyone.
These five love languages help us to better understand ourselves and our partners. Knowing you and your partner’s love language can help determine the best way to give and receive love to make each other feel seen.
Before we go much further, if you don’t know your top love languages, I’d highly recommend taking this quiz to find out: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
The five love languages are:
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Words of Affirmation
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Acts of Service
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Receiving Gifts
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Quality Time
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Physical Touch
A deeper dive into each love language:
Words of Affirmation
This is the love language for those who feel loved when they hear verbal compliments, big or small. Anything from a simple “I love you” to “I really appreciate you doing the dishes tonight, thank you for all you do.”
Someone with this as their love language may be more easily hurt by negative comments.
This is my top love language, which is why my morning gratitude routine means so much.
Acts of Service
This is the love language for those who feel loved when someone takes action to help them, big or small. This can be your partner making you a cup of coffee, or running an errand for you.
It’s less about the specific action itself, but more about the effort that went into it, showing the person cares enough to go out of their way for you.
This is Nate’s top love language, so it means a lot to him when I cook him a meal, or go to the other room to pick something up once he’s settled into the couch. It’s sometimes the smallest acts that mean the most.
Receiving Gifts
This is the love language for those who feel loved when someone gives them a gift. One key theme throughout all love languages is that they do not need to be a grand gesture to have meaning.
The gift could be a nice card or note, a favorite candy bar, or more grandiose, but the meaning behind the gift is to make sure your partner feels appreciated—not about the money spent.
Quality Time
This is the love language for those who feel loved when they get to spend meaningful time with their partner. For many, this could be as simple as a dinner without cell phones present—uninterrupted time to talk and connect. For others, it could mean going on a long walk, or a weekend getaway.
This love language can mean different things to different people, but the essence is that you get time alone without distractions.
Physical Touch
This is the love language for those who feel loved when they have physical contact with their partner. This can be holding hands, a pat on the back, or even hugging—it is not limited to sex.
I think all love languages should be discussed in a partnership, but physical touch in particular is important to align on. We all know a “hugger” and someone who prefers not to be touched at all, we know people who enjoy PDA and those who do not.
If there is a mis-match within a partnership around this love language, it’s important to set healthy boundaries.
My key takeaways from learning about love languages:
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While the love languages may seem straightforward and easy to implement, I’d highly recommend taking the quiz if you have not yet! It’s important to have self-awareness and understand which love languages resonate most.
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Discuss your love language with your partner and ask them for theirs. The quiz gives you a top 2, and it’s important that you and your partner are aware of each other’s so you can start to ‘speak them’ to one another.
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Speak your PARTNER’S love language to them, NOT your own. For example: if your partner’s top love language is words of affirmation but yours is gifts—they may appreciate compliments or a card with kind words instead of flowers.
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To that point, write out a list of ways you can speak your partner’s love language. Bonus: come up with the list together so you can really make sure you are showing love in a way that resonates with your partner.
