Let's talk about the fear of finding someone better than the partner we have in front of us.
I would say this is among the top intrusive thoughts that I experienced, and one that my clients mention all the time.
And because I've experienced it before, I know that it feels so dang real in the moment you're thinking about it.
Please know you're not alone if this thought has ever crossed your mind.
The fear of finding someone better is a tempting one to slip into, and here's why:
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In the moments where you're feeling disconnected from your partner, it's easy to imagine a relationship and partner who would make you feel more loved and more connected.
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In the moments where you're stuck in a cloud of judgment about your partners' negative qualities, it's easy to imagine a relationship and partner with someone who is perfect.
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In the moments where you're stuck in doubt and fear, it's easy to imagine a relationship and partner without those feelings, a "better" situation than the one you have now.
However, as I tend to do often in my blog posts, let me poke a few holes in the belief or fear that you may find someone better, and outline why it's not serving us.
I have a few holes to poke today, and will try to keep them short and sweet.
1. "What if I find someone better?" is falling trap to grass-is-greener mindset
Grass-is-greener mindset says something or someone else is better, and the grass would be greener in another relationship or with another person.
And I'm not here to tell you that is 100% not true, but I'm sure as heck not going to tell you that it's 100% true either.
Because it's worth noting that as the expression goes, the grass truly could always be greener on the other side, or so we think.
By living life in a grass-is-greener mindset—we must ask ourselves "when will it ever be enough?"
If we are constantly chasing someone better, will the next better person we find be good enough, or will we still want a better one after that?
Here are a few other things to consider when wondering if the grass would be greener elsewhere:
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69% of relationship problems are perpetual (recurring) according to Gottman Institute. Are you looking for a problem-free relationship with this potential "better partner"?
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Perfect relationships exist in RomComs and on social media, but not in real life. Are you chasing a "better partner" out of the desire to have a perfect relationship?
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Based on what I've shared in a recent blog post about values, lifestyle, and boundaries—do you feel good about where you and your current partner are at? Have you had discussions about any differences to try and reconcile them? Any relationship will require communication around these things, too.
We also have to remember that sometimes the grass we are comparing to is not as green as we think.
Because the truth is, hardly ANYONE shares the hard, messy stuff on social media.
The only reason I do is because that's part of my job, but most people stick to the highlight reels.
And even during in-person conversations—many people still do not discuss the hardships in their relationship unless you're having a very deep, vulnerable conversation.
I can't tell you how many clients of mine have never discussed their relationship anxiety with friends or family until discussing it with me.
How can we all start normalizing doubts or relationship challenges if we aren't willing to open up to others?!
So I ask you this, when thinking about your relationship doubts and fear of finding someone better:
If you didn't know how anyone else's relationship looked like, would you still be unhappy with yours?
2. Next, let's discuss the Paradox of Choice
Have you ever been to a restaurant with a 10-page menu and felt completely paralyzed? (looking at you, Cheesecake Factory).
Suddenly you're keenly aware of how many alternate options you have, and feel like no matter what meal you choose to eat, you'll be missing out on another potentially fulfilling option.
The same thing can be applied to options for potential life partners—if we feel like there are unlimited options of partners, we may feel overwhelmed and unable to fully commit to the (awesome) one right in front of us.
This concept is called the paradox of choice; having too many options causes less happiness and satisfaction, or can even lead to being unable to choose anything at all.
And as Mark Manson, author, shares, "the more options we have in the first place, the less satisfied we become with whatever we choose, because we're afraid of all the other options we're potentially forfeiting."
What does this mean?
While rationally we may know that we don't have unlimited suitors lined up at our door at any given time, social media culture & dating apps have led us to think that another more perfect partner may be out there waiting for us...
And even though in theory, it's that there are many people out there in the world who we could be with, when we remind ourselves that we have all of these options to pick from, it essentially makes us feel worse no matter what.
It doesn't help us to have these options, it just makes us feel crappy.
So then how the heck do you escape the paradox of choice?
You stop looking for options outside of our happy, healthy relationship/partner to make you happy.
I know it sounds too simple, but it's the truth.
Mark Manson also discusses that "it’s only by rejecting alternatives, by giving up certain freedoms (choices) through making commitments, that our freedom (choice) becomes meaningful...
...for instance, when you commit to one partner, part of the significance of that commitment is the fact that you have given up the freedom (choice) to commit to other people."
He says "There are some experiences you can have only when you've been with the same person for over a decade," which essentially means when you have CHOSEN to be in a relationship and grow within it, you can experience things that we can't when we are subconsciously chasing "better" and "more", or have one-foot-out.
Lastly, he says "commitment makes decision-making easier and removes any fear of missing out; knowing that what you already have is good enough, why would you stress about chasing more, more, more again?"
And while some of you may be thinking "but I DO have fear of missing out"—I want you to ask yourself if you really have given yourself and your partner a chance, and to be a relationship without any FOMO by fully choosing the relationship, two-feet-in?
Have you given your relationship a chance by:
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Stopping the mindless scrolling and comparison of your relationship to others you see online and starting to channel that energy into your own relational growth
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Stopping the day-dreaming about a more perfect partner and starting to commit to the one you have (even if you can't guarantee the outcome)
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Stopping thinking about your back-up plans if this relationship doesn't work and start going all-in on making it work
The illusion of other choices and options makes it seem like there could always be something more, something better.
But it also causes you to feel like the choice and option you have isn't measuring up.
Remove other choices, and choose your partner.
*as always, this assumes you're in a healthy relationship without abuse present
3. Lastly, let's talk about future-proofing and "what-if"-ing
I've written about future-proofing before, where we try to solve for potential future problems right here and now.
But here's the hard truth:
You have no freakin' idea if you will or will not find someone better in the future.
There's no point in thinking about it today, right here, right now, and further disconnecting yourself from the current relationship you're in...
That is, unless you have really sat down to reflect on your relationship and realize you feel out of alignment with one another's values, lifestyle, and boundaries, and are genuinely set on leaving this relationship with no guarantee of who you will or will not meet.
That's a different story, and I am sending you so much love as you take that step in your journey.
However, for those in a healthy relationship where they want things to work (which is the audience I am hoping to reach, since I was in those same exact shoes and speak from experience!), the thought of wondering if you will find someone better in the future is truly not helping you in any way.
Your brain may THINK it is helpful—it may think it's trying to help protect you.
It may think it's trying to help prevent you from making a "wrong" choice.
It may think it's doing you a favor.
But all it's doing is causing you to spiral into rumination about something out of your control.
And here's another truth that may be hard to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway:
If you meet someone better for you in the future—you meet someone better for you in the future.
And at that point, and only at that point, will you get to decide what you do in that moment.
You don't need to think about it today.
It’s like me wondering if Nate and I will be able to have kids 5 years before we’re even thinking about wanting to have kids.
You can think about it in the moment, if it happens, and choose to trust that you can handle whatever decision you make about who you want to be with.
And just remember, this elusive "better person" you may meet is still human, with insecurities, with flaws, with their own 'baggage' so to speak.
So, what point am I trying to make here?
If you are in a loving, healthy relationship right here and right now, but are stuck in fear and what ifs about a potentially better person, I want you to focus on what you can control right now.
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You can control how you show up moment to moment, day by day in your relationship.
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You can control how much or little you work through your relationship doubts and anxiety.
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You can control how much or little appreciation you bring into your relationship.
What you can't control? Who you meet in the future, and how you will feel about this person when you meet them.
Maybe by that time, you will not even NOTICE this person is a “better person” because you’ve already worked through your relationship doubts and are feeling solid, steady, secure and fulfilled in your current relationship…
Food for thought.
All this to say, I want you to think really long and hard about whether you think leaving your relationship because of a possibility you may find someone better feels like a good idea for you.
I’m not here to tell you what to do, but I am here to give my perspective.
If you are making the hard choice to leave a relationship, I want it to be because of a reason you have evidence for right now: boundaries are being broken, values are clashing, there is not a basic level of respect for one another, one person doesn't want to try and grow together, etc.
And once you make that hard decision, of course I wish you all the best in finding a person that feels like a better match for you.
However, just note if/when you think grass-is-greener mindset is at play, if/when the paradox of choice is taking over, or if/when you're spending too much time thinking ahead into the future and not shifting your efforts and attention to your partner and relationship right here and right now.
